Written by Grant Harris
Who still remembers what they wanted to be when they grew up? For most of you males out there, it was something along the lines of a fireman, a policeman or a pro wrestler. For those of you fortunate enough to have younger siblings, you were able to work on your wrestling moves fairly often (until they told on you).
For the girls, I’d imagine it was along the lines of a teacher, a doctor or a Disney/Barbie princess. For some of you, you still dream of being a princess.
As we got older, our sights probably turned to more glamorous, high-paying jobs. What guy hasn’t dreamed of being a professional athlete? And what girl hasn’t dreamed of one day being an actress?
The possibility of a life of riches and fame, the ability to buy whatever you want whenever you want it and the lack of hard labor make these jobs appealing to a large number of people. Today, however, I’d like to tell you about a position that you’ve probably never thought of as being desirable, but this will probably change your mind.
If I told you about a job that required no physical labor, very few days at the office, an exceptional benefits package and was open to any age, gender or color, would you be interested? You’re in luck, because such a job actually exists. It’s called being a Congressman (or woman, of course). How about a quick rundown of some of the more impressive benefits of this job?
First, if you ever need to fly anywhere – and you will, believe me – you don’t have to deal with normal airlines. Oh no, you’re far too important for that. Delta, American, Jet Blue, these are all things of the past for you. Instead, you get to use the Air Force as your own private airline. Never again will you have to worry about crying babies or terrible in-flight movies.
Second, you get to go to conferences all over the world where all you have to do is sit there and let your assistants take notes for you. After all, who doesn’t love to travel?
Third, if you ever think you aren’t making enough money (and who doesn’t), you can do something about it – you can vote. Talk to a couple of your closest pals, take a vote, and all of a sudden your salary increases$10,000 a year. Add the fact that over the past 14 years, the average number of days spent in session has been 148 – that’s less than half of a year. Not bad, huh?
Here’s the kicker. The best part of this job is that you never have to leave. That’s right, all you have to do is win a popularity contest every few years and you get to keep doing this until you have enough money to buy your own island. The President only gets 8 years if he’s lucky, and he has to make all the hard decisions. You? You can stay as long as you want, and you don’t even have to vote. What could possibly be better?
You can see now why I’m going to pursue this as a career. I’m still going to go to school, because intelligence is usually appreciated – although not required – and a college diploma will look nice on the wall of my office. While all of you are working at your nine to five jobs, I’ll be relaxing at home. You all will be paying taxes that help pay for my lifestyle.
The more I think about this, the more my early dreams of a career in professional sports or movies seem foolish. You don’t have to be fit, young or good-looking (although that can’t hurt). All you need is a nice suit and a firm handshake. I’ve made my mind up: When I grow up, I’m going to be a member of Congress. My mommy would be so proud.
