Written by Cameron Braun
They say the second floor of Harbin is where Health and Safety was founded. Rumor has it that 20 years ago, back when Allen was a state correctional facility and Betty White was still an unidentified dinosaur, two second floor roommates had what was the first official “Manfest” (Latin origin; Festival of Men). When the smoke cleared (indoor bonfires) and the dust settled (there’s no explanation; it was just settling), safety regulations didn’t seem like such a bad idea anymore. Today, it’s not much different. For those of you who are unaware of what exactly makes up second floor Harbin, here are a few identifying factors:No. 1 – It can easily be mistaken for a slum. Guys are just slouched against the wall with rotten bananas and half-eaten cans of spam lying beside them. I’ve seen it. It’s not cool.No. 2 – Temper tantrums are routinely thrown. Because of the elevated amount of working out (some of these guys fight full- grown grizzly bears just to stay in shape), there are at least one or two temper tantrums per day.Ex.: “Is that my Danimals yogurt?””So what if it is?” “I will kill you.” Or, “Football is the best sport.” “What about soccer?” “I will kill you.” No. 3 – The smell. When youwalk into the restroom, or the “chamber of willpower,” you start to question why your tuition didn’t include a military-grade gas mask. No. 4 – Samson is often referred to as one of the greatest men to ever live. You often witness well- educated students chanting out verses from the Book of Judges and growing out their hair – all in hopes that one day, they too can put a beat-down on a thousand Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey.No. 5 – The rooms are nicknamed “Caves.” Upon entering, you swear you’ve seen a similar living style before … and then your mind goes back to various scenes of “Sasquatch Mountain.”No. 6 – Football is comparable to everything. Obama is often deemed as “the best quarterback since Nixon.” There’s also an occasional shout of “touchdown” from the bathroom. “Hail Mary” also seems to be an extremely popular phrase.Ex.: “Do you think I’ll ever make any friends?””That’s a real Hail Mary man.”No. 7 – No one adheres to proper eating habits. The three-meals- a-day routine is not partaken of. Eating fruits and vegetables is also widely scorned as being meant for “sissies” and for those who “aren’t man enough to handle a stroke.”Ex: “Dude. Check out that orange lying over there.””Let’s punch it.”Despite all of this, the second floor of Harbin remains an extremely popular tourist attraction. Weddings, bar mitzvahs, walrus fighting rings and so forth are all common happenings. As a person who has personally experienced the second floor living style, I encourage you to stop by. We hope to see you there someday.CAMERON BRAUN is a guest contributor for the Bison. He may be contacted at cbraun@ harding.edu
