St. Valentine’s Day is easily the most sacred, the most hallowed and the most feared of all widely celebrated holidays. According to the martyrology of the Roman Catholic Church, besides being associated with the persecuted Christians in the Roman Empire, St. Valentine performed weddings for soldiers, who were not allowed to marry. He therefore was imprisoned and eventually executed. This is a sobering and slightly macabre background to a holiday that we celebrate with chocolates, candy and romantic arrangements (or for the lone wolves among us, chocolates, candy and Edible Arrangements).
The most important facet of Valentine’s Day, however, is proper etiquette. As an accomplished romantic and paragon of suavity, I will share some tips to make sure you do not offend your sweetheart and risk eternal solitude and the accompanying shame it brings within the Harding bubble.
1. For those of you who do not have a significant other, but have your eyes set on a certain fellow carbon-based life form, I tell you simply this: forgo the “secret admirer” approach. All this will accomplish is a short-lived and unfulfilled sense of anticipation from you that will be answered by frustration and subsequent inactivity by the object of your affections. Simply be honest about your intentions without stepping over any boundaries.
A good way to approach your primary target:
“Hey, I really enjoy hanging out with you, and honestly, I’d love to spend some time with you this Valentine’s Day. What do you say?”
A bad way to approach your would-be darling: on a longboard.
2. For those of you lucky enough to be intertwined with a sweetheart of your very own, I grant you one simple tip to survive this Dantesque circle of hell that is Valentine’s Day. Make sure it is communicated beforehand what the plans or expectations for the occasion are. For married couples or those that have been together for a longer time, this should prove a simple task. However, many students have probably met their dear Beatrice here at school, and have not been together more than a few short years at most. This is when it can get tricky.
3. Girls, state explicitly what level of attention you expect your man to pay to the holiday. Don’t be too specific on the details; however, give him some room to improvise and surprise you. Men generally love expending a surprising amount of effort and resources to reward and thank you for your affections.
4. Gents, listen to your siren’s call. Observe her verbal, nonverbal and often nonexistent hints at what kind of celebration she is desiring. Don’t be hesitant to go above and beyond the call of duty: In my experience, girls value ingenuity and a creative gift or date more than they value you orchestrating the “perfect” evening.
5. Remember that at the end of the day, Valentine’s Day is simply another day. Whether you are in a romantic relationship with someone or not, value your situation and strive to constantly grow from it.
