I realize that readers seldom look to this column for news about the latest smartphone apps. Sensible folks usually don’t seek advice about such things from a man who keeps his $20 Tracphone uncharged in a sock drawer most of the year. But, alas, these are troubling times.
One of the latest apps to come on the market is called “Couple.” It provides a private space for you and your sweetheart to interact and exchange information only with each other. The app allows you to share calendars, instant messages, grocery lists, photos, gift suggestions (ahem!) and other personal data only with that special someone. Think of it as a table for two at Facebook. Only there’s no waiter, kitchen, or spoons or forks.
On second thought, cancel that analogy. Instead, think of it as yet another way for humans to keep their social lives on electronic life support.
A tech junkie who was describing this new app on the news yesterday was practically gushing. He loved the fact that “Couple” sends anniversary reminders. He was delighted that the app’s GPS makes it possible for lovers to pinpoint each other’s exact location at any moment, down to the square inch. He went gaga over the sketch pad feature, where couples can play a game of tic-tac-toe or draw each other flowers.
And without the slightest hint of irony, he called it “a more intimate way to connect.” Actually, it sounds to me like a way for a feckless man to remember his wife’s birthday at the last possible minute and send scribbled roses. Either that, or it sounds like the perfect thing for those couples who wear matching sweaters and who register their cats to vote.
A web commercial for the app shows an adoring couple connected all day long, spending far more time staring longingly at their phones than being with each other. He wakes her up with a text. He interrupts her study time with a picture. He sends her a video as he walks to work. She sends him pictures of raw fish from the market. At dinnertime, as they’re eating sushi together, he does something to make her mad. But later he sends an apology in the easiest, most consequence-free way possible — with a text, which she accepts because he drew a rose on it.
Perhaps the silliest feature of this app is that users can “thumb kiss” each other any time they want. Never thumb-kissed before? It’s easy. First, stand at least two miles apart. Then, both of you close your eyes, press your thumbs on the screen at the same time and sigh contentedly. I’m sure it’s a supremely satisfying emotional moment. At least it’s sanitary. And it preserves the integrity of your lipstick.
The thumb, incidentally, was already on its way to a historic high water mark as a digit, and the “Couple” app just puts the polish on the nail. There was a time, of course, when the only people who lived by their thumbs were hitch-hikers. And Siskel & Ebert. Once upon a time, a “two thumbs down” from the legendary film-reviewing duo could sink a movie at the box office. But now, two thumbs down is practically a smooch.
Don’t you see what is happening here? How many more ways will we invent to compensate for not spending time with our alleged honey? Or how many romances will have to burn out from over-connectedness before we reintroduce personal space to the digital arena? How many people will one day be unable to interact with others during a network outage?
And how many high-maintenance or relationship-challenged people have just been given a technology that fuels their flaws rather than cures them? If your boyfriend is a bit thoughtless, he may get worse, now that the “Couple” app has become his own personal relationship butler. If your girlfriend is a tad clingy, she may get worse, now that she can schedule your life together down to the half-minute. The only redeeming news is that no one else will have to watch the digital melodrama play out on Facebook.
I realize that I have officially descended into a rant. And I get it — people can’t always be together in person. But why is that so bad? Are you at all concerned about the way that phones seem to be dumbing down our intimate moments? Are you worried that technology is slowly squeezing out things like vulnerability and risk from our lives together? If so, there’s an app for that. It’s called kissing a person when you’re standing on the same ever-loving spot of ground.
