Last Friday, I barely avoided giving $500 to a con artist. My only defense is that I was on medication. Some things happen like clockwork every February. The Arkansas temperature…
I read somewhere that when he was a kid, Jeff Bezos wanted to be an archeologist. A young Jennifer Lawrence planned to pursue medicine. George Clooney dreamed of playing baseball…
Last week I read a story in the newspaper about Bertha Vickers, a hunter from Morgantown, Mississippi, who was having a lousy season. She hadn’t gotten a single deer in…
I don’t know how you feel about re-gifting, but I’ve dipped into the “Just the Clax” archives and recycled a column from November 2011. The article is only seven years…
When my sister-in-law was in college in 1982, she worked at a grocery store. That was the year Coca-Cola introduced the talking vending machine. Customers put in their quarters, stood…
When my nephew was five, we asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said, “a vacuum salesman.” It was hard to know how much to…
Because my parents bought and sold antiques as a hobby, I’m a big fan of the History Channel series “Pawn Stars.” Our family was nothing like the endlessly bickering Harrisons…
I did a double take in Barnes & Noble last Saturday. I was walking past the coffee shop, through the action figures, around the vinyl records, up the aisle of…
Years after he became famous as “The Godfather,” Marlon Brando made a movie spoofing his legendary role. In “The Freshman” (1990), Brando played a mobster who ran an exotic restaurant…
One day last week when I was wearing one of my favorite ties, I received quite a shock. It’s a tie that pictures my cartoon hero Bullwinkle J. Moose holding…
One of my great adventures as a 10-year-old was at the World’s Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee. It was the last of a grand tradition of international expos dating back well…
The English Department has a roundtable discussion most Fridays, where faculty and students bring lunch and chat. Last week we talked about walking. We had a guest from the Kinesiology…
I recently overheard a group of students talking about OPIs. In case you aren’t taking a foreign language class, the acronym stands for oral proficiency interviews. The students all felt they…
During spring break a few weeks ago, I spent a few days as an assistant landlord. My mother owns some rental properties in Georgia, and I just happened to be…
I once congratulated Dr. Jack Ryan on a fantastic Sing-A-Rama. It was a rookie mistake. I was a first-year faculty member — unfamiliar with all things Searcy — and my sister…
In case you don’t remember the Brooke Shields cameo in “The Muppets Take Manhattan,” let me set the scene. Kermit is working at a diner while he’s trying to break into…
One image from the second grade lingers in my memory. It was the day our principal ate lunch with us in the cafeteria. On the surface, Mr. Weil was hardly…
One of my favorite stories from the vaudeville era involves the magician Frank Van Hoven. There’s no reason anyone would know his name today, but a century ago he was…
In high school, I took a class called “Experiences in Writing,” where the teacher had us try our hands at various types of poetry. That’s when I wrote my very…
I’m sorry to say, it didn’t work out. It all started last December, when I took my Intel laptop in for repairs. Things weren’t working right: web pages weren’t loading,…
Scott Rogers of Edmond, Oklahoma made the national news last month when something odd happened in his own house. His 6-month-old baby’s pacifiers kept disappearing. Now that is hardly news…
It’s a wonder I wasn’t heckled more in elementary school over this, but one of my prized possessions back then was a Pigs in Space lunchbox. Every day as I…
I once got a letter from Fred Flintstone. It must have been about 1980, after I had long been a loyal consumer of Fruity Pebbles cereal, which the commercials assured me…
I read in last Sunday’s paper that former President Barack Obama has been called for jury duty in his home town of Chicago. Imagine that. Twelve men and women in the…
It’s well known that the eccentric playwright Oscar Wilde had a pet lobster. While he was a student at Oxford in the 1870s, the Irishman used to tie a string…
I had a conversation recently with a woman in her mid-20s who was excited about the idea of self-driving cars. She couldn’t wait to get one, dreaming of the day…
If you visit my neighborhood just about any time of day, there’s a good chance you’ll see them. Walking up one side of the street, and then down the other,…
I think it was my second year of writing for The Bison. Back then I shared space on the opinions page with several others, including a student columnist who was just…
You may not know this, but over the last few decades I have made over three dozen acceptance speeches at the Oscars. Each has gone something like this: The Best…
One of the running jokes on the classic TV show “Seinfeld” involves Jerry’s infamously short-lived romances. Girlfriends seldom last for more than one episode, and quite a few actresses got…
This past summer I spent three months in Georgia after my mother had knee-replacement surgery. She traded a 1934 model knee for a 2017 high-flex titanium implant. I tried to…
I used to do this gag in my British Lit course. The class always met MWF at 2 P.M., and several times per semester, the English Department has its Senior…
After I washed my hands of the all-dirt diet, someone else suggested I consider the Whole 30 program. It seems that diets are a lot like ants. If you squash…
A little over a century ago, President Woodrow Wilson attended the Barnum & Bailey Circus in Washington, D.C. With the election of 1916 just six months away, most Americans assumed…
One day when I was home from college, I ran an errand for my father. I think he needed something from the hardware store and had given me his American…
A friend of mine once said, “If you want the attic cleaned out, don’t send someone who can read.” I learned the truth of this maxim during Christmas break, when…
My English 211 students have spent the last two weeks reading a book called “Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in the Digital Age.” The author is Sherry Turkle, a…
Arthur Lloyd was 80 years before his time. The fact that no one’s ever heard of Arthur Lloyd is a real shame, but that’s why you come to me for…
So there I was, sitting at my terminal at the Atlanta airport, minding my own business. At that particular moment, the business I was minding was twofold: I was waiting…
I need to confess something, and please try not to be shocked. Yes, I am the mild-mannered English teacher who never goes anywhere without a sport coat and a blue…
Iwonder how many of you listen to a syndicated radio program called “Intelligence for Your Life.” Heaven knows we all could use some. Host John Tesh and his staff comb…
It may come as no surprise to you that I measure many of the moments in my life based on whether a joke I told did or did not bomb.…
It’s been a while since we’ve had “Uncle Michael’s Storytime” in these pages. So grab a cup of hot cocoa and some warm socks and gather around in a semicircle.…
What is the worth of a man? Is he the sum total of his resume? Is he appraised by his income and portfolio? Is he valued by his character and…
Last year I got a letter from my first grade teacher, Mrs. Rose. She had seen an article about me in our local newspaper in Conyers, Georgia, which had brought…
It’s been exactly 950 years since the Battle of Hastings, when the Duke of Normandy defeated the Anglo Saxon King near the English coast. It would have been cold comfort…
We’ve heard a lot during this bizarre election season about disavowals. As both parties disavow unwanted endorsements, sketchy people who crash their campaign rallies and comments made during the heat…
Every summer I escape the blistering heat of Arkansas to spend a couple of months in the blistering heat of Georgia. This year my trip was bookended by visits to…
The year I finished high school — a quarter century ago — the most popular graduation gift was a brand new book by Dr. Seuss. I got my copy a…
Occasionally around the English department, you will hear faculty shouting from their offices. They tend not to be reprimanding some sophomore for writing “less” when he means “fewer,” or for…
Ihave never actually sent or received a text. That fact may come as a surprise, especially to those of you who have already sent more than three since you started…
In one of the great ironies of 21st century life, the tiny house movement is getting bigger. Spurred on by TV shows like “Tiny House Hunters,” a growing number of…
It’s not often that the idea for a column literally hits me in the face. But last week I went to my first “Pie the Professor” charity event. The math…
Iforgot to mention something last time. In the catalogue raisonne of my childhood artwork, I left out a 4 ½ – by – 6 drawing I just found in the…
Have I ever told you that I once had aspirations to be an artist? You see, at the age of 5, I demonstrated a precocious talent for drawing. I know…
Idon’t know why I do this to myself every year. When February rolls around it’s always the same mad scramble. The daily visits to Hastings, overpaying for popcorn at the…
There’s a poem by Billy Collins called “Obituaries,” in which he reflects on those somber newspaper sketches of people who have recently passed away. You know, the section that older…
The start to 2016 couldn’t have been more dramatic at my brother’s house in Georgia. On New Year’s Eve, he and my sister-in-law went to a show to celebrate their…
Idon’t really come from a gambling family. My parents bet money one time — on their honeymoon at Daytona Beach in 1955. They went to the dog races, bet a…
Last week an alert reader sent me a link to some breaking news from “The Onion,” that peerless source of fake journalism that has given us such headlines as “CIA…
My favorite moment from this year’s Halloween came from one charming little boy who appeared on my front porch. Amidst a continual stream of zombies, Disney princesses, Jedi knights and…
Halloween is upon us, and this year I almost went dressed as a Smurf. Believe me, it was not intentional. Yes, I was a misguided fan of the little creatures…
Rger Ebert once called “Singin’ in the Rain” the “greatest Hollywood musical ever made.” All the more reason to be excited that it’s coming to Harding this weekend. And a…
I’ve never actually sat in on a Hollywood film studio meeting — where executives decide which projects to fund and which to bury — but I imagine a typical conversation…
Idon’t know what it is with me and frogs. Ever since I bought a house four years ago, I’ve had a regular stream of amphibian visitors hopping around inside. I’ve…
This past summer I drove to North Carolina to visit my old friend Robbie. Her husband Phil passed away last September, and she needed a hand in going through some…
You will not believe what happened last Tuesday on “Rizzoli & Isles.” Boston Homicide found the body of a drug addict crumpled on the floor of her apartment, with an…
When I was a kid, my sister read to me all of the time. Seldom did a day go by without me sitting in her lap, enthralled by “Curious George”…
As another academic year winds to a close, I’m torn between two subjects for this year’s last column. I’d like to say something to the graduating seniors. I want to…
Over the years, my nephew Samuel and I have bonded over ants. Whenever I go home to Georgia for a visit, we sit in the rocking chair and sing his…
It is a universally repeated truism in marketing that the most important aspect of a business is location. In fact, the word isusually repeated three times for emphasis, since people…
For those of you who are under 40, ask your parents sometime to tell you about “The Gong Show.” Yes, you could look it up on Wikipedia and YouTube, but…
Ihave some terrific news from the Middle Ages. A recent discovery has changed what we thought we knew about the Black Death, and it will rock your world. But first,…
Asfar as I was concerned, the beard could not come off too soon. The scene was Kharkov, Ukraine, in the summer of 2005. I was volunteering for two weeks at…
One day back in middle school, a seventh grader hit me with an unexpected question. He asked if I knew why the word ‘gullible’ was not in the dictionary. In…
When it comes to food, I am not a man who likes to take risks. This would explain why four days a week for the past decade, I have eaten…
It’s not often that someone goes to the trouble to frame Post-it notes. Last year I got a package in the mail from one of my recent advisees. She was…
Several years ago, I was sitting in a sandwich shop in Little Rock with a group of students. I don’t know exactly how the conversation came around to the topic…
English professor Michael Claxton said he was 8 years old when his sister bought him a deck of magic playing cards. Thirty-four years later, Claxton’s vested interest in magic has…
Robert Browning once wrote a poem about a group of men who have come home to be pallbearers for a beloved teacher. Naturally, his death evokes pensive thoughts in them…
It had been an exhausting weekend. I got up Thursday at 3 a.m. to catch a morning flight to Boston. Then for three solid days I listened to presentations and…
On this Homecoming day I’m delighted to say It’s a happy occasion, not solemn. But when we all scream for our brave football team, There’s the question of what we…
As much as I’m ashamed to admit it, I do not care for water. I don’t even like to drink it, though choking down some H2O is better than being…
Ijust had the worst Popsicle of my entire life. It all started a few months ago, when I was clipping coupons out of the Sunday newspaper. “Oh, how quaint,” you…
I’ll bet you’ve never heard of Leroy Fong. I don’t know why I thought about him today. Occasionally something just pops into my head and I can’t settle down until…
The inscription in black ink reads, “To Michael, Thanks for your letter — S. Truett Cathy, Proverbs 22:1.” When I heard that the legendary founder of Chick-fil-A had died on…
It’s a tough life being a breakfast cereal mascot. A starving bunny, reduced to desperate schemes to get cereal, is told over and over, “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.”…
For the past few years now I have occasionally shared my adventures in landscaping with the Bison readers. Since buying my first home in 2010 — one which happens to…
I am still not sure how she put up with us. As a young boy, my brother got into constant mischief with animals. Once, Jim caught a huge bass in…
For a few months one summer I worked at Measurement Inc., an organization in North Carolina that grades the essays children write for standardized tests. I worked there to help…
One of my favorite novels is “Gilead” by Marilynne Robinson. It’s a fictional diary written by an elderly Congregationalist minister to his 7-year-old son, whom he sees as a blessing…
One of my favorite professors in college was a tough man to please. I admired him, wanted to be like him and quivered just a bit every time he handed…
It may come as a surprise to many Bison readers that I am a veteran at baby-sitting. I know. That information doesn’t quite match the image you have — the…
In a classic episode of “Seinfeld,” George Costanza attends a birthday party for a boy whose mother has booked a professional clown to entertain. As the reigning master of awkward…
I can hardly bear to confess this, but once, a long time ago, I dressed up the family dog in one of my T-shirts. In my defense, I was only…
Afunny thing happened to me in Wal-Mart last week. I was standing behind a woman at the check-out when I realized I had forgotten to get a new bag of…
I realize that readers seldom look to this column for news about the latest smartphone apps. Sensible folks usually don’t seek advice about such things from a man who keeps…
My Christmas got a little brighter last year when someone gave me a package of scratch-and-sniff gift tags. They came in three holiday scents, and with just one swipe of…
The differences between men and women are nowhere more confusing than in the ritual of gift-giving. Two years ago during the hectic holiday shopping season, I was initiated into one…
When I was in high school I took a typing class. In the late 80s the electric typewriter was holding on for dear life as a form of word-processing technology,…