With final projects and exams soon upon us, please allow me a brief end-of-the-semester pep talk, by way of an anecdote from my childhood. When I was in the fifth grade in the early ’80s, I entered our elementary school science fair. My project was a hand-drawn poster displaying the major record holders in the animal kingdom.
This was, of course, back in the days when such projects were modest, seldom more spectacular than a Styrofoam model of the solar system (before Pluto was voted off the galaxy) or an electromagnet made from batteries, copper wire and a nail. This was long before fifth-grade science geeks were eligible for the Nobel Prize.
SCIENCE GEEK 1: I’ve finally proven that the hidden variable theory in quantum mechanics is right, after all.
SCIENCE GEEK 2: Impractical nonsense. I’ve just developed a system that will pipe 12 million gallons of Capri Sun to Tanzania.
SCIENCE GEEK 3: Ha! I’ve just retired to Malibu after creating a more efficient social network for people who don’t have time for 140 characters. I call it “Twit.”
But I digress. My little nature project featured amazing animals, such as the blue whale (largest), the giraffe (tallest), elephant (largest on land), ostrich (fastest land bird), giant squid (largest invertebrate) and the house cat (worst attitude).
OSTRICH: Hey, house cat — watch how fast I can run!
HOUSE CAT: Meh. Where’s that idiot with my Fancy Feast?
Anyway, while my original plan was to find animal photos in magazines — no Google Images in those days — my mother suggested that I use my budding skills as an artist to draw each animal on an 8×10 piece of paper that could be mounted to the three-paneled plywood display board that my father made. So I got out my pencils and magic markers and went to work on the first drawing.
The peregrine falcon is the fastest bird in the air, able to dive up to 200 miles per hour. They often get busted on Highway 64. But if I do say so, I nailed this picture on the first attempt, creating a falconistic masterpiece that would have stymied John James Audubon.
MICHAEL: What do you think of my falcon drawing, Mr. Audubon?
AUDUBON: Meh. Beginner’s luck. Try a Semipalmated Sandpiper sometime.
Inspired by that initial success, I drew animals like a man possessed. One showpiece after the next flowed from my markers: the hummingbird (smallest animal), the turtle (longest-living species), the sailfish (fastest by sea). I was particularly proud of my chameleon (best animal in a Boy George song).
After an entire afternoon of breathtaking creativity reminiscent of Picasso in his Blue Period, I had only one animal left to draw. The cheetah — the fastest animal on land. Up to 70 miles per hour. But for some reason, my muse deserted me, and my cheetah looked like a giraffe that someone left in the dryer. Drawing the sinews of a cheetah in motion is not easy. “Oh, well,” I shrugged. “One lame drawing won’t hurt.”
My mother thought otherwise. She was still praising the falcon and insisted that all the other animals live up to that one towering achievement. She compared everything else I did to that first hit. Now I knew how Survivor felt after “Eye of the Tiger.”
At any rate, Mom sent me back to the drawing board. So I redrew the cheetah. But it still wasn’t good enough. “Do it over,” she said. “Like the falcon.”
I was tired. The mojo was gone, and I wasn’t feeling the cheetah. I was ready to settle. But Mom would not let me. Over and over I sketched again. I ended up drawing that cheetah six times before it reached a falconesque level of acceptability. I couldn’t feel my fingers and was seeing spots everywhere, but it felt good to finally get it right.
The moral of the story? I won second place in the J.H. House Elementary Science Fair, the highest scientific honor I have ever achieved. So, if during these last two weeks you are tempted to settle — to turn in that unproofread research paper or to “just wing it” on the final exam — do me a favor. Remember the cheetah, and finish strong.
To inspire you, I’ve posted a photograph of me and my animal poster circa 1981 on The Link. Yes, you read correctly — “Just the Clax” has bonus online content. And you thought I didn’t do technology. It just goes to show what happens when you unleash that inner science geek.
