Iwasn’t going to mention this, but a few years ago I went to a local salon and had my ears candled — for purely journalistic reasons, of course. At the time this was the latest thing. The purpose of ear candling, so I was told, is to remove wax build-up through a “non-invasive” process. So as I lay down on one side, a woman stuck a paper cone in my ear canal, set a timer and then lit the cone on fire. This was to soften and draw out the wax. I was wondering exactly how arson was “non-invasive,” but as it turned out, I had little cause for fear. This trained professional put down her copy of Soap Opera Digest just before the flames reached my collar.
After repeating the treatment on the other ear, then came the dramatic reveal. She unrolled what was left of the burnt cone and handed me a magnifying glass so I could see the microbes of wax this blazing vortex had picked up. Not only could I barely see them, but I must confess that I could not hear any better after this experiment, either, which made it all the worse when the candelabra had to shout that I owed her $20. It was, as my father might have said, “a big hoop-de-la over nothing.” Even with my usual talent for stretching nonsense into 700 words, I couldn’t get a full column out of the experience.
But it all came to mind recently when a friend shared his adventures with having beauty treatments at European spas. He didn’t say whether a tetanus shot was included, but it seems prudent, especially if you are going to get your eyebrows threaded. An Asian beauty technique that is apparently thousands of years old, eyebrow threading is now popular on the continent, which might help explain Europe’s economic collapse. At any rate, the process for taming unwieldy eyebrows involves string instead of tweezers. The stylist will roll a thin cotton thread over the brow, removing unwanted hairs at the follicle level.
Wikipedia claims that this treatment can be “quick and painless.” My friend agreed. “After I wiped the blood out of my eyes,” he said, “I could see.” The technical term for the procedure is “epilation,” which is of course what you should write down on the insurance claim instead of “vanity torture.” I’m told a person can even have his mustache threaded, but frankly I think I’d rather have mine candled. Or smeared with chocolate.
You think I’m kidding. My friend went on to describe another experience in a Turkish spa where he got a chocolate body wrap. This is the latest trend in upscale pampering. Chocolate — so say the spa people who want your credit card number — is a marvelous exfoliant. According to the “Salon Chocolate” website, where a gallon drum of the stuff is $120 plus shipping, smothering yourself in chocolate is a great way to “moisturize, detoxify and release endorphins in the skin.” It is also a great way to smell like Augustus Gloop from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”
So my friend was dipped in Hershey’s syrup, wrapped in thin fabric and left to simmer on low heat for 30 to 35 minutes. By the way, if you plan to try this at home, I do not recommend using Smucker’s Magic Shell, unless you want to lie on a bed of caramel pecans and make yourself into turtle candy. But for variety’s sake, you could try the Neapolitan wrap, which involves dipping your head in vanilla and your feet in strawberries. Either way, it turns out better if you spray the massage table with non-stick canola oil first.
It’s true that after the chocolate treatment your skin will indeed be soft and moist, in a Duncan Hines sort of way. But now I’ve come up with a scheme to combine all three procedures — wrapping, threading and candling — into a spa trifecta. I’m calling it the Fondue Follicle Flambe. So, if you see some guy who looks like a Snickers bar running down Race Street with his eyebrows shedding and his ears on fire, don’t call the police. Call instead for an appointment at 1-800-SPA-CLAX.
