As the children of America count down the days until people give them free candy just for dressing up as a pirate for 30 minutes, the movie channels have already started their annual 31 days of thrills, chills and serial kills. Amid the onscreen mayhem caused by Jason, Freddy and Jigsaw, some viewers may wish to go old-school this Halloween season and watch a little Alfred Hitchcock. A master at scaring audiences with minimal gore and maximum suspense, Hitchcock gave us such classics as “Psycho,” “Rear Window” and “Rope.” Plus, I think he may have directed “Superbad.”
One of his most menacing films has to be “The Birds” from Universal Pictures in 1963. Just when you thought it was safe to take that ornithology class, birds begin attacking people in Bodega Bay, Calif. Initially, the threat seems random — even accidental — as individual birds swoop down and knock people over. Soon, the avian villains begin gathering ominously in huge flocks, perching on school playgrounds, hovering above private homes and taking up all the good parking spaces at the mall. The climax is terrifying. But most disturbing of all, the film never explains the reason for this feathered declaration of war. It has been a mystery for nearly 50 years.
But friends, the answer has been flapping in front of us all this time: Alfred Hitchcock was simply hooked on “Angry Birds.”
For those of you who have never heard of this phenomenon, I’m here at your service. I realize that for some in the extended Harding family, this column is your life-line to popular culture. Bless your hearts. Allow me to explain why more than 12 million people haven’t gotten anything done in the past 18 months. “Angry Birds” is a video game developed in Finland that has become a hugely popular iPhone app. It has even won a UK Appy Award. When I tell you the plot, you will think that I have been smoking ostrich feathers. But I squawk the truth.
The object of this game is to kill green pigs by hurling angry birds at them. The player has a slingshot and a certain number of seconds to wipe out as many green pigs as possible by catapulting birds into the places where they hide. For those method players who need a motivation for what would otherwise seem wanton butchery, we are told that the hogs have stolen bird eggs and that they are evil. But Aggies knew that already.
Like its predecessors “Angry Ghosts” and “Angry Chimps” (aka “Pac Man” and “Donkey Kong”), the game has multiple levels, and it becomes increasingly difficult to hit the pigs. They hide in houses, caves and pokes, and players can use their bird missiles to either hit the porcine fiends directly or knock down their shelters. But have no fear — the birds get more potent as the game advances. Some split into three birds. Some explode in mid-air. Some can even tweet. And the sooner you fire off your fowl, the more points you get. So the early bird truly does get the pork chop.
Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but so, at first, did Justin Bieber.
As it turns out, “Angry Birds” have always been with us. Edgar Allan Poe was apparently terrorized by a Raven. A dead albatross wreaks its revenge on the Ancient Mariner. When she turns into a giant in Wonderland, Alice gets yelled at by a pigeon in Lewis Carroll’s immortal classic. William Butler Yeats assumed the apocalypse would involve falcons. And, if we look hard enough, I’m sure we can find a hint of repressed rage in Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
If Sidney Lumet were to remake his classic courtroom drama from 1957, I have the perfect cast for “Twelve Angry Birds”: Woody Woodpecker, Big Bird, Tweety, Foghorn Leghorn, Chicken Little, the Roadrunner, Mother Goose, Chilly Willy the Penguin, Toucan Sam, Sonny the Cuckoo (“I’m Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”), Daffy Duck and Iago, the angry parrot from “Aladdin.”
Are you addicted to this game? Have weeds taken over your yard? Are you behind in your homework? Has your 2-year-old gone unchanged since last Thursday? If you are one of the millions who just can’t stop casting your owls before swine, there is help.
Bird Anger Management counseling is available, or you may wish to contact your local chapter of ABBA (Angry Bird Binging Anonymous). Whatever you do, find help before you get hooked on the sequel: “Revenge of the Angry Green Pigs.” If you do not like green eggs and ham, you’ll be terrified.
