Amidst all the awful global news this week — Cyprus banks in meltdown, North Korea threatening war again, German authorities confiscating Justin Bieber’s pet monkey and an outbreak of Nutella thefts on college campuses — a small town in England has caused a little-known uproar. If you haven’t heard about what the Mid Devon District Council tried to do to Britain’s national language, then you should be grateful for the chance to pick up a Bison before stumbling blindly into another week of international chaos.
Were it not for jeers of protest from throughout the United Kingdom, officials in Devon might have gotten away with their dastardly plan. English teachers and lovers of the queen’s language everywhere will be gobsmacked at the very thought that something like this could happen. I can barely bring myself to describe it. It’s “horrible, horrible, most horrible,” as Hamlet’s father might say, and you have no idea what a relief it is for me to report that this cowardly subversive plot was foiled. If you thought the monkey quarantine was an outrage, you should hold onto something as you keep reading.
I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a District Council meeting. I’m sure there are many fine people who serve on these community governing boards, but there is always one member who trembles through every council session lest he be called on to submit an idea for the general welfare. This member has no ideas, has never had any ideas and has very few friends with ideas. And on those rare occasions when his opinion is called for, he must invent something on the spot. No matter how barmy the idea is, this timid councilman must offer it to save face. I can think of no other explanation for how such a horrid proposal could come up.
So what was this heresy? The Mid Devon District Council voted to omit apostrophes from all its street signs. I told you it was bad. I’ll give you a minute to recover your equilibrium. Swipe some Nutella if it will help you settle down.
What possible good could this vote accomplish? The council sheepishly proposed that eliminating the punctuation mark would “avoid potential confusion.” Apparently, signs for “St. Paul’s Square” and “Queen’s Road” are just too much for some ditzy Brits. I’m surprised that the Council didn’t also come armed with a study from the Chancellor of the Exchequer claiming that its apostrophe ban would save 400 gallons of road-sign ink per year.
Apostrophes are extremely useful. As any 4-year-old will tell you, “Michael’s toys” is a helpfully restrictive designation. One British grammarian, the intractable Lynne Truss, once traipsed all over the U.K. with a magic marker, gleefully correcting Sandra Bullock movie posters that read “Two Weeks Notice” (without the possessive apostrophe after “Weeks”).
Fortunately, the Mid Devon Council was forced to recant, mainly due to pressure from the Apostrophe Protection Society. Yes, thankfully, there is an APS for that, and no one knows what grammatical laziness these dutiful activists have nipped in the bud. Much like the Richard III Society — which has had a banner year since the discovery of its beloved villain’s bones in February — the APS is basking in a grateful nation’s praise. The society’s motto is “carpe punctum” — “seize the mark.” Just imagine a world without apostrophes. Wed all be wearing yellow buttons that said, “Its great to be at Harding.” Thatd be a real shame.
