Iwill never understand the French. Just last week I was praising the country’s national resolve for fighting moles at Versailles and wishing I could import their “Exterminator-in-Chief” to work his special mojo on my lawn (see “Making Mud Pits out of Molehills,” Feb. 5). But just a few days later, I hear on the news that France is over run with wolves for the first time since the 1930s, and their best solution is to try to “educate” the wolves into not eating sheep.
Here’s the story. All but wiped out in the period between the wars, wolves have come back to France in a big way and are wreaking havoc with the nation’s sheep farms. Since the canines are a protected species, French environmentalists have come up with a plan to “capture and tag” them. The wolves will be placed in solitary confinement and marked with ID tags. This “National Wolf Plan” aims at teaching the captives how to be good citizens.
The hoped-for result is two-fold. First, the wolves are expected to be so traumatized by the process of being arrested and tagged, that they will lose all motivation for killing sheep. The article I read about this didn’t specify whether the prisons would have an electrified fence decorated with sheep-themed wallpaper just to reinforce the connection, but I assume so. Second, wolves caught going after sheep as a repeat offense will be shot.
O la vache. This is the country that gave us ballet, the Statue of Liberty and Louis Pasteur, and their best solution to the wolf problem is time out? I really do not see how aversion training is going to redirect an instinct that wolves have had since the creation. The originators of this sheepish idea claim that spending time in detention will teach the wolves to avoid farming regions and instead to go after wild rabbits in remote areas.
This cannot work. If you had a choice between munching on a soft, stationary lamb and wearing yourself out chasing a ferule Bugs Bunny, which would you prefer?
Napoleon would have never put up with this foolishness. He would have conscripted all of the wolves into the army and invaded Russia during the winter. That would have put a chill on their sheep cravings. Or think how Quasimodo would have handled it. A few cracks of wolverine forehead against the bells of Notre Dame would have knocked some sense into the predators. At the very least, the French could have brought in Pepe Le Pew for a whiff of real aversion training. Quelle surprise.
But no. Instead we have group therapy and tagging.
Wolf: “My name is Kurt, and I can’t stop eating sheep.”
Other wolves: “Hi, Kurt.”
The next thing you know, the French will have wolves doing community service — picking up trash on the expressway, whitewashing graffiti, rebuilding houses for the three little pigs. Or else they’ll be forced to join chain gangs:
Drill instructor: “I don’t know but I’ve been told.”
Wolves: “I don’t know but I’ve been told.”
Drill Instructor: “Sheep-free wolves will get paroled.”
Wolves: “Sheep-free wolves will get paroled. Sound off.”
This is insanity. The architects of the plan have actually said that it gives the wolves a second chance before harsher steps are taken. Tagged wolves who relapse will be deemed “unteachable” and shot. Now how far would I get if I adopted that strategy for people who keep misusing pronouns in Composition II? No wonder there is so much rioting in Paris.
There is a perfectly sensible solution to all of this. French shepherds should feed escargot to their sheep. I don’t know if you’ve eaten any of that, but one bite of snail-stuffed lamb chops is enough to turn anyone off from mutton forever. Either that, or they could try chewing gum.
