It’s that time of year in the English department. My colleagues and I have read so many research papers that some of us have started talking in argumentative thesis statements. While some may argue that such delusions are unlikely, they would be wrong for three reasons. First, after dozens of conferences over student essays, teachers begin to think in dependent clauses. Second, we eventually get to the point where we cannot go to the bathroom without first considering the opposing side. And third, by the end of the semester, most writing teachers are just one works cited page away from complete incoherence.
This explains the conversation I had at the Waffle House last week.
Waitress: “What’ll you have this morning, Hon?”
Michael: “Though critics of the All-Star Breakfast complain that it has enough cholesterol for a family of eight, studies have shown that a hearty morning meal can power a 40-year-old through an afternoon session of alternate grading and falling asleep.”
When the waitress asked if I wanted regular or sugar-free syrup with my waffle, I replied: “People on a diet will often order artificially sweetened syrup as a ‘guilt-free’ guilty pleasure. But according to nutritionists, cardiovascular surgeons and a couple of folks I asked in the parking lot, such people are merely kidding themselves and should not judge those of us who order regular syrup with no pretense of moderation.”
Later that day I went to Walmart and was asked by a greeter how I was.
Michael: “Despite feeling a little dizzy after the All-Star Breakfast, and even though there is a good chance that the Kleenex coupon I clipped last month will have expired yesterday, I am nonetheless looking forward to stocking up on napkins and Town House Crackers and am hoping they’ve finally put something decent in the $5 DVD bin.”
While shopping in the snack aisle, I ran into a friend who was cramming his cart with Twinkies. “Do you want some of these?” he asked.
I said, “It is true that the imminent closing of Hostess will cause a run on creme-filled pastries, and that sentimental longings will motivate thousands of shoppers to hoard Ho Hos like it’s Y2K. However, few people realize that the powdered pink Sno Balls they bought in 2009 are still good for another 72 years.”
That evening I went to a basketball game. During the second half, when we were trailing by 10, the ref made a terrible call. Our crowd was not shy in complaining, and I’m sure I spoke for many when I stood up and yelled: “Some would argue that your call was justified because our center put their point guard in a headlock. But since the only people who would make that argument are sitting on the opposing bench, and since your call has put our beloved Bisons two more points behind, and because the concession stand has added insult to injury by running out of popcorn, we’ve had enough and suggest that you go back to calling strikes for T-ball.”
The next morning, my alarm clock went off rudely at 6 a.m. With one eye half-closed and after a slight hash brown hiccup, I mumbled, “On the one hand, the terms of my contract dictate that I should in fact show up for work and teach something to somebody. On the other hand, studies have demonstrated that positive student course evaluations rise two points for every canceled class. It seems that further research is required, which I can do right here.”
Finally, while some people feel that a column written entirely in thesis statements is ridiculous and that its author deserves to be locked away in a straitjacket and put on a strict no-waffle diet, they will get no strong opposing argument from me.
