Well, this is it. I want to thank all 43 of you who read this for keeping up with my tales from the past and the occasional fluffy listicle that I write every week. I want to apologize for my big ol’ mix up last week about the Greeks being killed by the Trojans. Alas, the Trojans took the butt-whoopin’ from the victorious Greeks in the fable of “The Iliad.”
To close this marvelous journey through our history books, I want to take you back to the Incan Empire in 1200 A.D. It was not an uncommon occurrence in the 11th century for a young boy to rule a nation. When Kuzco, 17, took the throne, most of the citizens knew trouble was on the way.
The empire stretched across several hundred miles, so most citizens never had to face him. However, those who did rarely left happy. Emperor Kuzco was ruthless and selfish. He demanded that bands play when he walked into the corridors of his palace and that women be present to provide him with grapes and other succulent fruit.
The emperor laid waste to villages to have a clearer view from his chamber window. He turned down every suitor that came to him and insulted them as they left. History says that he even threw those who stood in his path from off the highest roof of the palace.
Now, the emperor’s assistant witch doctor saw the evil that he had brought to South America and plotted with her associate to kill the emperor. Concocting a special brew and replacing his evening salad dressing of choice — raspberry vinaigrette — with the poison, the witch doctor anxiously watched as the cruel emperor stuffed leaf after leaf into his mouth.
Soon, the emperor began to choke and wheeze. To the witch doctor’s dismay, the emperor seemed to grow thick fur on his arms, and his neck extended high like a tree. In a moment of panic, the witch doctor’s associate struck Kuzco over the head, leaving him unconscious. The witch doctor rushed to her workshop where she learned of her grave mistake. Instead of dying, Kuzco was turned into a mutated, sickly llama-man. The witch doctor and her associate disposed of the body on a trade cart of a traveling merchant headed south.
When the emperor awoke, he was greeted by the very frightened merchant. Kuzco was flabbergasted at the current state of his being, but — through slurred speech — the llama-man effectively explained his situation. The merchant had met the emperor once before to discuss tax fraud, for which he had been framed. The merchant was sentenced to give over 80 percent of his wages back to the empire as punishment. The merchant, however, took pity on the terrifying creature and traveled with him back to his palace.
Emperor Kuzco was touched by the care he received from the merchant, and once he arrived at the palace, he decreased taxes among the people. He spent most of his time outside the walls of his palace speaking with the locals and asking what their desires were. He aimed to always lend a helping hand. Today, he is known as one of the most gracious rulers of the time. They sang songs about him, and they named the tune “The Emperor’s New Groove.” He sentenced the witch doctor and her associate to death.
It’s been fun, boys and girls. Take care of Josh next year. I came up with Editor-in-Cheese.
