Hi everyone, my name is Kevin and I come into the Student Publications office every once in a while with my owner. Zach looks busy handling graphics right now so I think I will take a load off of his plate and write his collumn.

Oh man I am so excited to finally have my own space in the opinions section. Wow. I am just overwhelmed with joy for this time and opportunity. Okay, so what are we going to talk about in this article?

We are going to talk about my favorite chew toy. I love my piggy toy. My owners get me a piggy toy whenever I ruin my old one. Also that squeaky one that I have under the couch, but for the life of me I just can’t reach it anymore. I love that piggy toy I have. When I can’t find that piggy toy I will settle for the furniture. Wooden legs on chairs make the greatest chew toys other than that piggy I have.

We are going to talk about eating table scraps. The best food I can think of is the food that I can’t see on the table. I know it is up there. You can’t fool me. You can push me off of your lap as much as you want but I will get that food I smell. I know my owners want me to eat the food on the table because they drop food on the floor for me sometimes. My happiness is at the center of their lives.

We are going to talk about what it is like being home alone while my owners are gone. I can’t remember what it is like when my owners are gone and I am home alone. I have heard that dogs have no concept of time, or something like that. I can’t remember if that is true or not. I love that piggy toy I have. Where is that — where did I put that?

Oh yes, back to writing for this column I have. We are going to talk about being a good owner to your dog if you get one someday. First, remember to let your dog sit on the couch, at the table, in bed and play in the mud when it is rainy. If you do not allow these things, that’s okay, I still love my owners. You should also allow your dog to eat small plastic toys lying around the house. If you drop something, I will try to eat it before you can pick it up, so.

We are going to talk about walks. I love walks. What I don’t like is being strapped to my owner. He pulls at my collar when I sniff around grass. I am just sniffing around owner, come on. I also love walks until I am tired after a few feet. Do your best not to go on very long walks. After walks I usually want to take a nap.

We are going to talk about naps. It is hard to stay awake sometimes if I am sitting in the same spot too long. My eyes get heavy and I tend to rest my head on my paw-paws on whatever is nearest to me. Come to think of it, I actually am feeling a little tired right now. I do think that I will probably be able to finish this article before the Editor comes back in. I don’t know though, it is very warm and cozy in here. This chair is also so comfortable and fasdkjav;ferwijgiohvawuhvghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The story above is part of our “April Fools Edition.” No factual value should be taken from this story.