Written by Jess Ardrey
There are two words that bring immediate joy to the hearts of kids on this campus: road trip.
They’re usually spoken with the excitement and reverence of a tween girl asked about the Biebs.
It’s also a proven fact that no excursion has ever commenced without at least one traveler shouting “ROAD TRIP” as loudly and drawn out as possible. After all, we are ones for tradition.
And following in that tradition, road trips always include a few key ingredients: spending money, junk food and onset scoliosis from folding yourself into the backseat of a minivan for eight hours.
None of those things are very good things. But we put up with them because they are part of the experience. They are necessary evils to make us worthy of the awesome that is adventure.
You can spend money on gas if it means losing your voice after a perfect ’90s playlist. You can tolerate the crummy food when you’re unraveling the troubles of the world with the person in the seat beside you. And you can suffer through a charley horse or two for the chance to tell a good story.
Now, to be fair, I’ve left out an ingredient: the goal. But I think we’ve all had enough “Chicken Soup for the Soul”to know that it’s not about the destination,it’s about stopping at the grimiest gas stations along the way, or something like that. (Side note: On the way back from Alabama this past weekend, I saw my first “Toy Story”-themed graffiti scrawled across a grimy gas station bathroom wall. It was unexpected.)
Although cheesy, there is something to be said for this theory. Granted, spending the weekend with your suitemate’s family can be fun. And sometimes the thing you travel to attend isn’t exactly thrilling, so you have to make your own fun by playing baseball in a Waffle House parking lot at midnight until the cops kick you out.
Still, nothing compares to singing Queen with the windows down while driving through a smudge on the map.
It’s an escape.You can forget about deadlines and chapel skips for a little while and just go. That is, until you get a message from everyone’s favorite guy,”donotreply.” That’s a real downer.
If you’ve never been on a road trip, wake up. You’re in college. It’s part of your job description, and I’m pretty sure it was required in the FAFSA.
In case it’s your first voyage, or if you’re just actually and genuinely interested in what I have to offer, here are Jess Ardrey’s Rules for the Road.
Rule No. 1: Bring ridiculous music. Bring the stuff you actually listen to, too, but if you can manage some Cher or some Captain and Tennille, you’re golden.
Rule No. 2: Don’t bogart the Twizzlers. Sharing is caring, but stay in control. You don’t want to be the guy who “gets to talking” and, before he realizes, has eaten everything from the last pit stop. Have one. Put them away.
Rule No. 3: Bring sunglasses. You never know when your friend will snap a picture of you, so you need to have your dial set to “stunnin”” at all times. Who knows? Maybe if you’re lucky, you might even have a new profile picture on your hands.Fingers crossed!
Rule No. 4: Don’t sleep. Apart from missing all the fun, the second you fall asleep, there will be that friend that gives you a wet willie. There’s one in every car. That is, unless you are that friend, and in that case, get your sleeping out of the way first so as to avoid any retaliation.
Rule No. 5: Don’t tell all your stories. While it’s tempting to want to tell your non-wayfaring friends everything that happened the second you get back,refrain.The stories won’t be nearly as funny. Plus, sometimes it’s good to keep them.
So grab some friends and go somewhere. You’re guaranteed to come away with some redundantly unforgettable memories.
