Written by Stacy Roibal
A few days before the start of this semester, I got a call from my mom. She wanted to say that she was learning about the toxicity of purity culture, and that she was sorry — sorry for teaching it to me and my sisters. “I wish I could take it all back.” That was her plea, and I accepted her apology. I am very proud of her for having the courage to change her mindset, but the truth is that it’s too late, and she can’t take it back. I have been working at unlearning many skewed ideologies that I was raised on, and I’ve been doing it all on my own for the past three years.
For those not familiar with the term “purity culture,” it stems from an evangelical abstinence movement in the ‘90s that sought to suppress sexuality in teenagers and young adults as a response to “too much freedom” (if you will) in decades prior. There were some good intentions, but the waves of negative repercussions are still washing over us today. The problem with suppression is that it generates shame, and in that shame we can begin to see a broken system.
In my opinion, not being “sexually pure” doesn’t alter your value as a human being in any way; however, nobody told me that growing up. There are people who didn’t get to make the choice themselves to stay “sexually pure,” some people gave into pressure and some people grew tired of being afraid of the stigma around sex. Whatever your story is — you are immensely valuable and loved by your creator, and that will not change.
I was taught that my “virginity” was a precious gift that was destined for my future spouse. My value directly correlated with how pure I was. I had to dress modestly so I could protect men from myself, and if they desired me it was my fault. Boys “battle” with lust and girls don’t, so we have to be understanding of them. If I got a boyfriend, we had to set “boundaries” so we could stay righteous before God. Crossing a boundary was something to be completely ashamed of. If I found myself desiring someone, it was because satan had found his way to my heart — not because it was a normal part of growing up. The list goes on, but what I’m trying to say is that the way in which purity is being taught has been and continues to be harmful.
It should be devastating that this ideology has caused so many young people to resent themselves, to lose their sense of self-worth, to believe that there is something wrong with them, to feel so much shame for simply being human. If God created me in his image, how come I was taught to resent so many things about that image? And by my church no less — the people who were meant to teach me about love.
I am going to tell you some things that I believe, and I hope that others in my evangelical community can believe them, too. Remaining “pure” is not the highest thing that someone might achieve in this life. Being the best version of yourself is the greatest thing you can give your future spouse. It is not a woman’s fault if a man desires her. Seriously, can we stop blaming women’s shoulders for causing a man to “stumble”— that is his problem. Your story is important and beautiful, no matter your background. It can be difficult to unlearn things that have been systematically taught, but it is not impossible.
