It seems like the beginning of every semester is filled with learning how to balance a schedule that excites and scares me at the same time. Without fail, I will overextend and overwhelm myself with responsibility.
I’ve always really enjoyed the idea of living up to the hustle and bustle of life, and I often find joy in what I can accomplish. I was drawn in by the idea of being one of those girls who can do it all and be OK — but I am not OK.
In reality, I am searching for my worth in what I can do and not in what God can do through me. Placing my worth in ideas of myself and how busy I am has distracted me from where my worth really needs to come.
Already this semester, I’ve been told that I “didn’t understand the assignment,” missed a quiz and had to redo an entire paper. I felt heartbroken when I didn’t exceed my own expectations. I felt overwhelmed by disappointment from myself and others, and I was drowning in chaos that I couldn’t control.
Someone we should look to in times of heartbreak is Job, but someone I also look to when I feel heartbreak is Hannah. She couldn’t do the one thing that so many people said was her only purpose, and the inability to conceive a child destroyed her self-image. She couldn’t see that the love of her husband was unconditional — which was so rare in husbands back then — and chose to bare her burden alone for so long.
Finally, Hannah threw herself on the ground and begged God to give her a son. She promised in return to give her child to God all the days of their life. I think this story is moving because Hannah sacrificed her desire to raise a child so her son could serve the Lord. God is so good and evident in this story through so much of what we don’t talk about: sacrifice.
Hannah leaned on the Lord and was not afraid to ask for help. So often, I allow my pride to make God seem so small. I think my burdens are too big for even him to bare, and I feel trapped. I carry my burdens alone and wear a mask that makes everyone think I’m OK.
Hannah taught me that it’s OK not to have it all together all the time, and to sacrifice where my worth is and give it to God. I lay my burdens at his feet and trust in him fully because I know he will take care of me. Even amidst the storm of doubt and darkness, God tells me to look and find rest in him.
No, I still don’t have it all together, but God has humbled me and picked up my cross. I don’t feel paralyzed by fear and worry anymore, but I feel motivated by his love for me. I am grieving the person I thought I wanted to be and celebrating the person God is calling me to be. Find rest in God, and he will give it in abundance.
