Written by Emma Weber
I wear my watch on the inside of my wrist because an ex-boyfriend told me it was easier to sneak a look at the time that way. He was right, and I’ve kept doing it ever since. My coworker Bailey taught me that tying the trash bag’s handle keeps it from sliding down the side when it gets heavy. I know which Glee covers I like because my suitemate Grace showed me the best ones. I like tying my shoes in butterfly knots because my best friend back home ties them that way. I can’t remember the real lyrics of the song “Bags” by Clairo because my friend Ellie and I sing it wrong on purpose every time we hear it. When I see a minion I think of my sweet Helen, and when I see anything online that’s crocheted, I text my friend Randi to see if she can make it for me. There are crumbs perpetually in Tiane’s car because she lets me eat chicken nuggets when she drives me places.
I used to be afraid to lose people close to me. Maybe I was jaded from my time as a military child. I’m not quite sure I have it figured out now, but it is something that has been on my mind recently. The release of a favorite artist’s newest album has reminded me of the importance of love in our lives.
The artist Mitski released a song called “My Love Mine all Mine” that tackles a concept I have never been great at. In this song, Mitski unravels the fact that love given to anyone is never wasted. She has a line that says “Nothing in this world belongs to me, but my love, mine, all mine, all mine.”
These words speak to a very real aspect of life. Friends grow apart, paths take people away and those we thought were going to be around forever gradually stop coming around. I used to get angry at this. What is the point of loving anyone if they are just eventually going to leave me?
I’ve lost a lot of good people in my life over the years. I had a friend die my freshman year, which sent me into a spiral of hate and anger. I stopped talking to people and pushed away anything that got close to me. I sometimes fall back into those patterns of self-isolation. I find myself asking, “Why is it better to love?” and the answer is always a resounding crescendo of all the ways I’ve been loved by others.
There is not much we can control about what happens to us or the people around us. What we can control is the way we treat and love those around us. What lasts in people’s lives when we are gone is the way we loved them. Little parts of everyone I have loved stay within me and show up in the person I am. In some way, this keeps the people I have loved alive. In the same way, I hope my love weaves little parts of myself into other people’s stories. I can only control my actions towards others. Nothing in this world belongs to me, but my love.
Sometimes when I put my watch on backwards I remember who I was in my past. She didn’t know the ways she was creating love, she just liked the way it looked on her arm. Be shaped by the love you receive and let love shape the world around you. When it comes down to it, choosing love is never a waste.
