Public Safety officers have been working double-time due to the rise of thefts on campus. According to Craig Russell, director of Public Safety, everyone should be extra cautious when locking up their vehicles. According to Russell, the culprits of several thefts on campus are a pair of suspicious-looking squirrels.
“Turns out it was the squirrels the whole time,” Russell said. “Originally we were looking for fingerprints, but nothing ever turned up.”
According to Russell, suspicion rose when he saw two masked mammals boosting each other up to gain access to the driver-side door of a parked vehicle on campus. Russell said that the small and nimble fingers of the rodents make it easy for them to tamper with locked vehicles.
“In all of my years working at this institution, I don’t think I have ever seen a larger and more comical threat to the student body,” Russell said.
Russell is not the only witness to the small critters’ mayhem. Andrew Baker, assistant professor of Bible, also had an encounter with the furry bandits. According to Baker, his laptop, iPad and Walkman were stolen from his vehicle.
“It’s upsetting to me that squirrels on campus are just taking things,” Baker said. “If they just would have asked, I would have given all of those things and more. As Christians, we have been called to give of ourselves for the sake of Christ. Bottom line — to live like Jesus would — even for squirrels.”
The Bison was later informed that Baker’s “Jesus Take the Wheel” bumper sticker was also removed from his vehicle.
Executive Vice President David Collins released a statement after the two squirrels were apprehended.
“Although we believe the initial threat has been taken care of, we ask students to continually be on the lookout for masked or threatening-looking rodents of any kind over the next few weeks,” Collins said. “We ask that the student body lock their vehicles every evening, take all valuables with them upon leaving and remove any kind of loose nuts from the dashboard, cup holders and seat cracks.”
Public Safety has found numerous items stashed in trees on campus and have asked for students who are missing these items to claim them at the Office of Public Safety. Some of the items include pearl earrings, AXE body spray, a to-go box filled with potato wedges, a Game Boy Color, a 46″ Sony television, Planters Peanuts and a Starbucks gift card.
To report a theft from your vehicle, contact the Office of Public Safety. If you witness a break-in, a description of the subject — furry or human — should also be reported to Public Safety.
The story above is part of our “April Fools Edition.” No factual value should be taken from this story.
