I am not an MLB fan. I loosely pull for the Braves, but let’s be real — I don’t care. Having said that, knowing that Opening Day is on Sunday and many of you care about such things, here’s my totally-not-qualified-to-talk-about-it 2016 MLB preview.
AL East: Since I’m not a real fan, I don’t have any actual reasons to back up any of the things I feel or think, but I kind of hate all of these teams. I’m ultimately taking the Orioles because Buck Showalter is the name of a guy who wins division titles.
AL Central: I’m going to go with Kansas City here because I know they won the World Series and I’m not stupid. I do like the Indians, though, which is 100 percent due to my undying love for the movie “Major League.”
AL West: Houston is supposed to be great this year, and the only reason I know that is because they were on the cover of Sports Illustrated the other day. I guess I’ll take them, since they were so bad a couple years ago and it’s a good story. (Sidenote: the A’s have the best uniforms in baseball. Sorry, Cardinals fans.)
NL East: Last year the Mets won this division, and there’s no way that happens twice in a row. The Braves are terrible, but there is always a bad team that is somehow good every year (see Texas Rangers last season). Go Braves.
NL Central: 100 percent going with the Cubs, mainly because you Cardinals fans are insufferable. I do love Andrew McCutchen and the Pirates, though. Cool uniforms, passionate fans, haven’t been good in a long time until recently — all things that resonate with a non-fan like me.
NL West: Colorado Rockies all day. Are they even good? Probably not, who knows? I like their colors, and I like Colorado. That was easy.
World Series: I’m not going through the whole playoffs — that would be exhausting. At the end of the day, because I care so little, all I really want is a good story. For that reason, I’m taking the Cubs over the Astros in the World Series, because nobody loses in that scenario. If the Astros win, we will all be able to laugh and say, “Wow, we just watched the Astros win the World Series” (kind of like we did with the Royals this past year). And if the Cubs win, well, we get to watch the ensuing chaos of Armageddon and the end of life as we know it. Sounds like fun to me either way.
