While Friday marks the last day of the week and therefore typically represents the capstone of exhaustion, today stands out as the last day of Club Week. Whether you’ve been involved in the club process or not, some specific precautions should be made known to both you and your surrounding comrades, some of whom you consider more or less brethren by the time this is all over.
We’re all tired, so these are a few simple steps to approach someone on the tail-end of what has been one of the most exhausting weeks of their lives, while still remaining intact and in mutual agreement.
Let’s begin. How to safely approach a sleep-deprived person:
1. Don’t.
2. Seriously, don’t.
3. Does the phrase “stand 500 feet back” sound familiar?
4. If you must, then plan to provide compensation (food): Sometimes taking food can help you, but just to give everyone a fair warning, during a time as exhausting as Club Week, any guy offering a girl food of any kind may in fact be translated as a marriage proposal. Keep this in mind.
5. Make no sudden movements. This also goes with avoiding loud noises. If it isn’t in preparation for the All-Club Devo then use your “inside voice” and again, proceed with caution.
6. Offer them coffee, but politely. Obviously the best way to execute this is to just go ahead and buy said person a cup of coffee and then back away slowly. Otherwise, politely suggest that perhaps a cup of coffee might make things a little happier for everyone — probably not, but insist on the coffee anyway.
7. Apologize for bothering them. No matter what your reason, when someone is extremely tired, it is your fault for existing, so you might as well begin making amends right away.
8. Do not, I repeat, do not tell them they look tired. This should go without saying, but unfortunately it doesn’t. This phrase doesn’t belong anywhere, with the exception of in the dictionary under the heading “You are dumb: really dumb.”
9. Avoid terms like “good morning.” This almost sounds like a challenge, or at the very least a tactless attempt at irony. Stick to neutral phrases like, “hello” or “hi there” to ensure optimal safety. There is no need for charged language.
10. Consider this as a part two from step nine. We throw around the phrase “how are you” most days like it’s no special occasion, but today is probably not the day to inquire about an individual’s well-being unless you’re prepared to brace yourself for an honest answer/tears or even somber grunt or two.
By now you should be feeling somewhat prepared to make it through this last day of Club Week alive and well.
The following disclaimer was taken from the National Park Service website regarding what to do if you see a bear, but I think it is mutually applicable to both of these situations.
Note: These regulations and precautions help decrease the chance of personal injury or property damage. However … damage and confrontations are still possible even when all of the above guidelines are followed. Failure to comply with these regulations may result in citation and/or (deserved mockery.)
