Bad haircuts happen to good people every day. Whether it was when you were little and had the brilliant idea to chop off the greater portion of your own hair or your hairstylist understood trimming two inches to be 10 inches, it just happens and there’s nothing to do but say you love it and then go eat an entire bag of Cheetos.
There was a celebration in my dorm this past week as my roommate was able to proudly announce that her sideburns had finally grown in to functional sidebangs. That’s right. I said it. Sideburns. Don’t worry, it wasn’t actually facial hair, so if you’re recruiting for a traveling circus in need of a bearded lady, she’s off the market. But before the stage of “too soon” jokes was over, I had affectionately dubbed her botched haircut as “sideburns” and had I known it would stick, well, I probably still would have said it.
Bad hair literally crops up everywhere and if you’re unconvinced then just look up “worst celebrity hairstyles” or check Twitter for any given “Throwback Thursday.”
If I were to compile a list of some of my favorite celebrity haircuts, it would look something like this:
1. Rihanna: Because everyone knows a Mountain-Dew-Code-Red-bowl-cut is edgy, but mostly horrendous.
2. Guy Fieri: Because standing upside down in a puddle of bleach is probably the quickest and most cost-effective way to look like a Food Network host that didn’t quite make the 90s boy-band cut.
3. And a personal favorite: Billy Ray Cyrus. Now I realize terrible haircuts could be a genetic thing after Miley’s debut with Draco Malfoy hair, but who knows.
I guess I’ve always had a special connection with Billy Ray. It could be because we both like to encourage others not break our achy-breaky hearts, but more likely it is our bond over mullets.
You’d think mullets would be the perfect compromise for all. There’s just something about business in the front and a party in the back that everyone could relate to for a few years.
Man-Crush-Monday probably would have evolved into Man-Crush-Mullet-Monday given the chance, but the hashtag was just too long.
Fortunately, society saw the error of its ways and moved on to other terrible haircuts.
So whatever your bad haircut may be, whether it’s sideburns or mullets or burning off a chunk of hair with a curling iron, just know that things will all be OK and you might guest star on Ellen in the future.
In conclusion, I hope that all your future haircuts are even and straight, and most importantly, mullet-proof.
