With the Grammys and Valentine’s Day happening to fall on or around the same week every year, it is during this time we find ourselves gasping for air beneath an avalanche of treacherously overplayed love songs. While I try to keep up with popular music solely to stay current, I don’t listen to the radio very often and I try to stay as far away from middle school Facebook pages as humanly possible. So naturally, I tend to fall behind. Nevertheless, I manage to hear some of the riffraff the masses are audibly consuming, and more often than not, I am perturbed by what I find. While you may have celebrated Valentine’s Day on the 14th, my guess is many of you are waiting until the weekend to fully express your undying “like” for one another. With that in mind, here are (in my humble opinion, of course) the top five love songs of 2012 to avoid when riding in the car with your significant other.
5. Maroon 5- “Payphone”
Remember when Maroon 5 was cool? Well, I’m having a more and more difficult time remembering the more I listen to this song. First of all, the obvious problem with this song is that no one uses pay-phones anymore, especially not multi-millionaire pop stars. I do understand that song lyrics are most certainly not meant to be taken literally, but for their artistic merit, so let’s find some. Here’s the chorus:
I’m at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it’s all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?
Incredible. Somehow Maroon 5 has managed to write a chorus that is not only culturally irrelevant, but also shamefully unoriginal at the same time. A blind observer might confuse these lyrics as ones from a Britney Spears hit … in 1994. This song is embarrassingly bad, and yet we’re only at No. 5 on the list. It’s all downhill from here.
4. Train- “Drive By”
Oh look, another aging alternative rock group turned radio pop. Train is trying so hard to sound young, I almost feel bad for them. This song sounds overproduced to the 10th degree, I would be shocked if they used an actual instrument at any point during the recording. They even try a little Jason Mraz-esque fast-talking that borders on rapping to kick things off. If the technical problems aren’t enough, check out these lines from the chorus:
This is not a drive by
Just a shy guy looking for a two-ply
Hefty bag to hold my love
When you move me everything is groovy
Groovy? Hefty-bags? What is happening here? Has every person involved with Train run out of things to sing about so badly that they’ve resorted to singing about two-ply Hefty Bags? Was this some sort of genius product placement that ended up in the wrong target market? Whatever it is, it’s a shame no one told these guys to pack it up after “Drops of Jupiter.”
3. Rihanna- “We Found Love”
Rihanna is the first artist on this list who still manages to make worthwhile music anymore, but I am at a loss as to why this song is so popular. It has two verses that repeat, and a chorus that says
the same five words over and over again. In fact, this song says “we found love in a hopeless place” 16 times. This is a three and a half minute long song with 30 seconds of actual content. That isn’t to say repetitive songs are necessarily bad, but that’s only if they contain matter that is worthy of repetition. After hearing the first verse and chorus of “We Found Love,” you’ve heard it all. Simply stunning.
2. One Direction- “What Makes You Beautiful”
I feel a little guilty placing this song at No. 2 on this list, solely because I’ve never actually been able to listen to it in it’s entirety. Frankly, this song’s annoyance is the reason He-With-Swooshy-Blonde-Hair-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named didn’t make the list. One Direction has taken annoying boy band to a different level entirely. At one point, these hair-gel loving Brits actually start singing “na na na na na na na na na” like they’re on the Remember the Titans Original Soundtrack. The “She Don’t Know She’s Beautiful” gag has been played out since long before Tim McGraw did it, and by now it almost seems misogynistic in nature to keep it going. I thought this was one of those Rebecca Black type joke songs when I first heard it, but sadly, One Direction is taken seriously.
1. Carly Rae Jepsen- “Call Me Maybe”
This is the only choice for this spot on the list, but hear me out before you criticize. First of all, nothing needs to be said about how “bad” this song is. Everyone knows the lyrics are ridiculous and a little confusing, and this is pretty much as stereotypical as pop beats get. But I will admit, after many months of hating, I can’t get enough of this song. Its awfulness makes it perfect. It is the perfect song at the perfect time. I can’t remember something so fun and innocent and ridiculous ever sweeping the world like “Call Me Maybe.” All that being said, as far as love songs go, it’s really, really bad.
