The holiday season is long gone, but February festivities are upon us, and with them comes a whole new level of stress. So much anticipation for one day comprised of awkwardness, hand-cut confetti and failed expectations. Valentine’s Day. It is less than a week away: sweet, sweet, chocolate-covered commercialized love.
Though Valentine’s Day gets enough attention on its own, and no one likes to be left in an “and none for Gretchen Weiners” disposition, I have never dreaded it. But I do think it’s a little over the top, not to mention sexist.
If we’re going to put the entire population into a diabetic coma for a day, I think both genders should participate. If girls aren’t required to get guys heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, they should at least put together an equally unhealthy holiday just for them. Wait, was there a football game earlier this week?
Besides, from what I’ve heard (meaning what I looked up on Wikipedia) Valentine’s Day is historically more of a holiday for guys anyway. It’s pretty much just lots of theories of guys dying and people getting decapitated and then preserving their heads hidden in a shrine or something. If that doesn’t sound like a cookie-cutter Nicholas Cage film, then I don’t know what does. Anyway, this is the part where I introduce to you a list of other very real holidays, that not unlike an unruly child, might just need a little more attention and possibly some guidance from an authority figure.
Wright Brothers’ Day: (Dec. 13) For those brave souls who have ever tried to use an umbrella or bed sheet as a parachute, this day is for you guys. I’ll go ahead and tell you this is the one that probably needs the guidance from an authority figure. Continue.
Franksgiving: (Thanksgiving celebrated a week earlier than usual.) It was a pretty gutsy move on Roosevelt’s part to try to move a national holiday. While he may have had good intentions, I’m glad our president today hasn’t tried anything similar. I really don’t want to explain to my kids someday why we celebrated Obeaster for a few years.
Leif Ericson Day: (Oct. 9) If Christopher Columbus Day is observed, then this guy really should get a shot at fame and fortune. Or at least a day where banks and post offices could close a little early. It’s not every day that a Viking guy discovers America. Not to mention his wife’s name was Thorgunna and his son’s name was Thorkell. I do not even want to think about all the Avengers jokes his family had to endure.
National Grandparents Day: (Sept. 8) Why not hand-knit a unicorn sweater for them for a change? According to Taco Bell commercials they’ve been sneaking out and mixing things up anyway. I know it will be hard to relate to them in this aspect, because no college student ever goes out for late night Taco Bell, but just try.
We-Aren’t-in-Les-Miserables-Appreciation Day: (Everyday) OK, I may have made this one up, but I think we can all appreciate its relevance. While the Campus Activities Board still hasn’t invited Jean Valjean to come sing on campus, they have had Phillip Phillips so at least they have got the repeating-names theme down.
Combine this list with a set of “Transformers” party hats and maybe a pinata filled with happiness, dreams and fruit snacks and you’re ready to celebrate this year to its fullest potential.
