All I wanted to do last night was walk into the comfort of my dorm — not an unreasonable request, in my opinion. Much to my dismay — as I repeatedly learn night after night — it is utterly impossible. As I headed towards the door, I passed car after car after car of kissing couples. I tried to ignore them and walk around the corner of the building — then, BAM, right in front of me were at least two more couples making me want to vomit on their too-close-for-my-comfort bodies. You think that’d be it, right? False. I still have to somehow avoid the big, smashed-together obstacle leaned against the door to the building.
Three words: Out. Of. Control.
Now three letters: PDA.
I never knew I could hate three letters oh so much. If I had to list my top hates in this world, public displays of affection definitely rank way up there — along with wet jeans, attention-seeking girls, the misuse of the words “good” and “well,” camouflage and, worst of all, man thighs. But back to the point. I just can’t understand PDA. I do not get it.
Which leads me to my first rule of the day: Never block a public entrance with your awkwardly placed bodies. There are so many available places, so why choose the one place that is highly trafficked?
My sophomore year I was lucky enough to have a couple sit next to me in chapel. Every morning he rubbed her arm. Sweet and thoughtful, right? No. It was awful. You see, as he rubbed her arm, the back of his hand would rub my arm. I would have to sit as far as I could to the left side of my chair and protect my perpetually violated arm in order to avoid being unwillingly touched. Every day I looked at them with a disgusted scowl on my face, and I can’t help but make that face right now as I write this.
Chapel couples lead me to rule No. 2. If we’re talking about Jesus, leave your awkward touching at the door. I would almost (emphasis on the word “almost”) forgive you for getting distracted during a boring class lecture, but chapel? Really? Do we need to go back to sixth grade church camp when we all went around pointing at people yelling, “Leave room for the Holy Spirit!”? Let’s not revisit that time.
Now I have too many stories to choose from dealing with PDA I’ve encountered at Harding. In the crowded line for David Cook tickets a few years ago, a guy decided out of nowhere to bite his girlfriend’s shoulder, … but no worries, they’re a happily married couple these days. And just a reminder — when your 50-minute class period is up, she will still be there. You don’t have to suffocate her in a hug and longingly say goodbye like you’re going off to war. Don’t get me started on the second floor of the student center, either. Trying to walk down that hallway on newspaper or yearbook deadline nights is just setting yourself up for nausea. It’s a disturbing nightmare of an obstacle course.
The virtual world is the last place I will take my anger out on, so hold tight.
Yes, I understand “you love him” and yes, I know he makes your “world go ‘round,” but there is never ANY reason for you to post 95 pictures of y’all kissing and daily statuses informing us that you are “Thinking of someone special, (insert name here), and [you] love him/her with all your heart and cannot imagine life without (insert pet name here). V-O-M-I-T. And I’m sorry, but if you have to have daily conversations with him over Twitter just to prove to the cyber world that you’re together, I can guarantee your relationship is going to fail.
Please don’t ignore rule No. 3, which states the following: If you love him so much, text him for goodness’ sake. You don’t have to prove to me that your uncomfortable relationship has hope because, let’s be honest, no one else cares. Let me repeat that in a way you understand: #noonecares #youlookawkwardtogether.
Don’t walk away from this with the wrong idea, though. I’m not a bitter person hating all the love that people have found at this marriage factory. I’m just merely encouraging everyone to use discretion when it comes to showing that newfound love. So here’s a new Harding twist on your mother’s old saying: “If you wouldn’t do it in front of Jesus, please, pretty please do not do it in front of me.”
