Written by Ann Harrington
Perhaps I should introduce myself. I’m the oft-disheveled English adjunct who walks around campus with an oversized laptop bag and a lifetime supply of cucumber-scented hand sanitizer. Just in case.
You might have seen me being followed through the Student Center by three crazy kiddos carrying Buzz Lightyear action figures and playing Angry Birds on an iPhone they likely pilfered from a nearby, unsuspecting college student. And maybe it is due to the fact that I spend most of my day maintaining and conversing with said children (all of whom are under the age of seven), or maybe it is because I grew up on a farm in Nebraska where there is very little to do besides monitor the corn-to-fencepost height ratio, but I spend a lot of time in thought. Deep thought. About things that probably don’t matter to anyone who doesn’t have access to the serpentine recesses of my mind. And probably not even then. Brace yourselves; what follows is a list of several things I just don’t understand:
Why Los Angeles doesn’t have a football team.
Why Jack Bauer continues to get out of bed in the morning.
Why the world just can’t accept the fact that Brad and Jennifer are NOT getting back together.
The purpose of those little tags at the end of Twitter updates. #thingsijustdontunderstand, #cluelesscompteacher, #howcheckedoutami
Why NyQuil tastes so bad. Seriously, we can send a man to the moon but we can’t figure out a way to make NyQuil taste better?
Who gets to decide when plaid makes a comeback. I want that job.
How Grape-Nuts cereal got its name when it has nothing to do with grapes or nuts.
Why it’s socially acceptable to eat pancakes and sausage any time of day, but people look at you like you’re from another planet if you order a bacon cheeseburger for breakfast (not that that’s ever happened to me…).
Why doing something “chalantly” is not the opposite of doing something “nonchalantly.”
Inflation, eternity and the electoral college (not necessarily in that order).
Why we sing an adorable lullaby about a baby falling from a tree, cradle and all. That’s just creepy.
What the baby was doing in the tree in the first place.
Why the person in front of me at Midnight Oil always seems to be ordering a coffee drink with 17 adjectives.
How I can eat an entire tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls before I even know what hit me.
How food that comes in a tube can be so delicious in the first place.
Why that creepy dude is staring over your shoulder as you’re reading this article. #madeyoulook
When Nutella supposedly became health food.
Why the English language doesn’t have a gender-neutral, singular, possessive pronoun that can be used in relation to a person so we aren’t tempted to mistakenly use “their” or be relegated to the awkward “his/her.” #deathbypronoun, #whymustenglishteacherstalklikethat, #pleasemakeitstop
Why we instruct kids to “cover your mouth with your hand when you sneeze” when we know their germ-ridden hands are just going to touch everything around them that would’ve gotten sneezed on if they hadn’t covered their mouths.
How my three kids have managed to stay alive since I’ve been neglecting them for the past hour, writing this article.
How you’re going to manage to get anything done today now that I have successfully fueled your obsession to get your hands on your very own tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls to eat while you ponder your own set of things you just don’t understand. #youknowyouwantto
ANN HARRINGTON is a guest contributor for the Bison. She may be contacted at aharrington@ harding.edu
