Written by Jessica Ardrey
Those of you who frequent this portion of the paper are well-versed in the childhood shenanigans of Michael Claxton, and in the woes of home ownership. Since I live in a dorm, let’s just focus on the youthful mischief and embarrassment.Now, I too was in an elementary school play. I held the most prestigious role of Mama Frog in the second grade production of “Once Upon a Lily Pad.” I too donned a pair of green tights, as well as a green turtleneck and matching sequined scrunchie.It wasn’t a particularly scarring endeavor, except for the fact that Mama Frog greeted her son, Freddy, by planting a kiss on his forehead. The boy who played Freddy also happened to be my best friend’s brother, which caused my face to turn all kinds of red, clashing horribly with my bright green ensemble.Flash forward to high school. I’m 16 and a clown. My AP English teacher is late to class, and there’s a large trashcan in the middle of the room, the kind that completes the Lone-Ranger-and-Tonto equation with the custodian who ties trash bags to his belt loop.The trashcan is filled with papers, spring cleaning and whatnot, so I decide to climb in the can with the idea of scaring my teacher upon her arrival. I hoist myself in, expecting the papers to condense, but alas, they will not budge. I proceed to jump up and down in a fruitless effort to squash them.It’s about that time that the kids on lookout duty sound the alarm. I bail out of the trashcan and she opens the door just in time to see me trip on the edge and plow face-first into the nearest desk. Needless to say, she was indeed surprised.Now, there’s one place for tomfoolery where one has complete and utter sanctuary from the parentals: Grandma’s house.Don’t get me wrong; she made me work, too. But somehow she always managed to make it fun. I got to climb the apple tree in the side yard to get the apples she couldn’t reach. I even turned washing the dishes into an epic battle scene of pirates in the Seven Seas, fighting for the greatest treasure in all the land: the bits of carrot in the drain.But there is one thing that is never fun: snapping green beans. Bowls and pans and multiple gallon buckets full of the accursed legumes. Believe me, I tried to pretend they were Koopa Troopas or Stormtroopers or something. But when there are a bajillion of them, you can only imagine snapping off Goro’s arms so many times before you lose your grasp on reality.Nonetheless, there are things I got away with at her house that Mom just simply would not let fly. For example, my brother and I once decided to make mud pies in Grandma’s backyard, mad-scientist-style. Grandma pulled us out of the ditch in just enough time to wash and dry our disgusting clothes before Mom got back.Interestingly enough, one load of laundry is the perfect amount of time to eat some cookies and take a nap weighted with the pride of scheming.Grandma’s house was also the place for roughhousing. My brother, who is seven years older than I, was currently in a tae kwon do class. That meant we had several show and tell sessions, mostly where he’d show me that he could put me in a headlock with his feet and I’d assure him I intended to tell Mom.As far as capers go, I forked a yard or two in my day. I even flamingo-ed a yard once. Those homemade beauties looked magnificent in the glow of my low-beams in the dark of the night.One of my favorite pranks was on my best friend, because those are clearly the most fulfilling. This particular friend was terrified/ awfully disgusted by fish.In view of that fact, the scheme proceeded thus: catch a fish Thursday, let it sit in a box for a day, put said fish in her locker at approximately 3:30 Friday afternoon.Monday morning, she refused to open her locker. She also had to replace some textbooks. So this April Fools’ Day, have fun. Tell a stupid joke. Prank your roommate. Just make sure it doesn’t cause another blackout. Becausethen my wrath will be upon you.JESS ARDREY serves as the opinions editor for the 2010-2011 Buffalo. She may be contacted at jardrey@harding. edu
