Written by Will Reno
On Feb. 27 the world will witness the pinnacle of film with the revealing of the Oscar winners for the 83rd Academy Awards. This week I take a look at the nominees and give my opinion of who I think deserves recognition and who deserves to go into the back room at Steve’s Video Store, where you have to be at least 18 years old to enter.Best Costume Design: I was somewhat surprised when I saw “Alice in Wonderland” on this list as I seem to remember a 70-foot naked, underaged female appearing at one point (don’t worry, there was a well-placed 60-foot tree). Maybe the judges are viewing that as a postmodern metaphor for the wastefulness of President Bush’s spending while in office. Regardless, I’ll take “True Grit.” If you’re unfamiliar with the movie, all you need to know about it is there are some cowboys, a dentist dressed as a bear carrying around a dead guy, and a man who makes only animal noises (not making this up).Best Visual Effects: One movie I would not give this award to is “True Grit.” They had zero space explosions, and the one scene that would qualify for “visual effects” is some awkward green screen shot toward the end of the movie. I don’t want to ruin the ending for anyone, so all I’ll say is that it was really, really, really bad. My pick for this award would be “Black Swan,” even though it didn’t technically get nominated for Best Visual Effects. I think the judges will recognize their error as they recall how the movie visually affected them so much that they all wanted throw up.Best Original Score: Every year we hear how an animated film about the instruction on training winged beasts never wins Best Original Score. Well, I think this is the year that they end the drought with “How to Train Your Dragon.” Honorable mention to “127 Hours” which features more than 100 hours of a man debating aloud if he should cut off his hand or not, which ultimately climaxes to him reading something out of a book about cutting off a body part if it is causing you to sin.Best Supporting Actress: I don’t really like the idea of a supporting actress nominee being born in 1996, so we can immediately throw out Hailee Steinfeld in “True Grit.”Well … I was hoping that’d narrow down the list, but seeing as I don’t know any of these actresses, I’ll recall a Jimmy Allen story. One time Jimmy Allen told the story in chapel of how he saw a pretty lady one day and attempted to kiss her. We all know of Dr. Allen’s bad luck because it turned out to be a man with really long hair! While this humorous anecdote (probably not advised by Dr. Claxton) was obviously an amusing story and not a real experience, I am going to make a similar nonsensical joke and pick the Detroit Lions.Best Supporting Actor: While I do love the idea of anyone getting recognition over Ben Affleck in a movie ( Jeremy Renner played alongside Affleck in “The Town”), let’s go with Christian Bale in “The Fighter” because he finally got to play the role he’s always portrayed in real life: someone who just yells a lot. In addition to his Allen third- floor-related ways, his acting in “The Fighter” was so good it almost made Mark Whalberg look like an actor who can play a role besides someone with a Boston accent.Best Actress: When I heard there was a movie about ballerinas, I immediately ran to the movie theaters. After the movie was over I immediately ran into the bathroom sobbing. And for that alone I would award Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” for best actress. On a side note, it’s amazing that someone can appear in a “Star Wars” movie and not have his or her film career completely wrecked afterward.Best Actor : I’ve never been a big Coen fan, truth be told, but I am a fan of that big old guy in “True Grit.” While he’s no Paul Haynie, I do firmly believe that I would pay complete attention to Rooster Cogburn if he were to teach any history class. Or any class at all. I may hit the snooze button once or twice, but with the possibility of a drunk professor wildly shooting in my direction for no reason, I think I’ll save up my skips for when there aren’t so many depressing holidays around the corner.Best Director: A lot of people don’t know this but the director of “The King’s Speech,”Tom Hoppus, is actually the father of Blink-182’s bass player, Mark Hoppus. So for that reason alone I’m throwing out the possibility of awarding “The King’s Speech” with anything more than a pair of Converses or any other apparel that is found at Hot Topic. I’ll take “The Social Network’s”David Fincher despite the Harding Habit of the Week.Best Picture: While I’m all for speech impediments, amputations and dark colored birds, it has to be “Toy Story 3.”Not only was this the first movie that I cried in since “King Kong,”but the “Toy Story”series are the only movies I’ve walked away from where I didn’t want to punch something after hearing Tim Allen’s voice. Also, Jesse is kind of cute as far as animated toy cowgirls go.And that’s it! If you can’t catch the Oscars on TV just sneak into a club’s formal because it’ll be a similar set up: dresses, carpet walking and people laughing awkwardly as someone slurs a speech for just a little bit too long.WILL RENO is a guest contributor for the Bison. He may be contacted atwreno@harding.edu
