Written by Michael Claxton
On this Homecoming day I’m delighted to sayIt’s a happy occasion, not solemn.But when we all scream for our brave football team,There’s the question of what we should call ’em.This puzzle becomes (for all Harding alums—Whether city or country or rural—)Is it the same if we roar for one Bison or four?’Cause our mascot is already plural.We English professors have few bigger stressorsThan nitpicky questions of grammar;The rules for the comma are causing us trauma,And pronouns are making us stammer.Our slogans all read, “Go Bisons,” indeed,And we’re all of us proud of the name.But what do we do, since one Bison or twoIs supposed to be spelled just the same?Though someone might guess that apostrophe SWould neatly make Bison’s from Bison,I say anyone who makes this grammar boo-booI will lock in a cage and put mice in. And so my dear friends, a whole lot dependsOn how well we sort out this small mess,Since our trademark sports gear and each popular cheerAll contain a superfluous S.I can’t stress enough that this choice is not fluff,No decision we just roll the dice on.It is no piece of cake; there is too much at stakeWith the pluralization of Bison.Now let me explain, it won’t do to complainThat grammatical rules are obtuse.There are quite a few words, whether singles or herds,Spelled the same, such as deer, shrimp or moose.It doesn’t make sense; it is crazy-intenseTo have plurals confusing our chants,But S’s remain, either single or twainWith scissors and tweezers and pants.So clearly my dears, when we yell out our cheers,This is something we need much advice on.I’ll admit it’s a fright; it just doesn’t sound rightTo stand up and holler “Go Bison.”And yet I suspect those who must be correctWill find “Bisons” an awkward sensation.Thus now you will see how much stress it can beAttempting Bisonification.And so we come back with a plan of attackTo solve once and forever this crisis.Please don’t be distressed if I deign to suggest,Could the plural of Bison be Bises?Whatever we do for one player or twoWe certainly want to be wise.So will it cause grief if we try to be briefAnd shorten our nickname to Bise?Of course we could try the process wherebyThe plural of goose becomes geese.But I think that it may be quite awkward to sayThat our mascot is Buff the Biseese.Or how ’bout this topic, and don’t be myopic,Retaining that plank in your own eye.Since it would be cool as a technical ruleTo call us the Fighting Bisoni.Or, if you please, if we thought overseas,It could really afford us a bonus.So maybe we’ll dare try a slight Latin flairAnd pronounce it in Spanish “Bisones”?Now we could take a cue from a word in Hebrew,When you take a sweet cherub and clone him—As an angel to spare makes a cherubim pair,Our players could be the Bisonim.Or we could take a chance and pretend we’re in FranceWhere two bison would translate biseaux?No, instead let’s suppress that French plural unlessThe Gulf Conference moves to Bordeaux.Here’s another idea, though perhaps it would be aDisaster we’d have to atone inIf we said with a grin like our friends in BerlinThat it should be pronounced as Bisonen?Now please do not pout, since we cannot rule outExclaiming “Go Buffalo” for fun.But this name will not do ’cause that word’s plural, too,Which brings us right back to square one.We’re now losing ground; my head’s starting to pound;It’s something I must put some ice on.I just cannot rest before solving this questTo decide between Bisons and Bison.I’ve got it! Listen here for the ultimate cheer,For the fans this will really entice ’em.If our voices do swell with the Latinate yell,”Let’s go Harding! E Pluribus Bisum!”
