Written by Michael Claxton
Every academic who visits the United Kingdom feels compelled at some point to quote George Bernard Shaw’s famous quip: “England and America are two countries divided by a common language.” During last semester’s stay in London I got quite an education in how to speak British. Of course, I already knew the famous expressions. I knew that “minding the gap” might save my life on the subway . . . um, I mean, the underground. I knew that people stand in a “queue” for theatre tickets. I knew the British don’t butter their biscuits, but do put meat in their pies. And I knew that getting “knocked up” in England was not nearly as bad for your reputation as in the U.S.
Unfortunately, I made one faux-pas while visiting some friends at their home. I complimented them on their attractive back “yard” and was promptly informed that it was not, in fact, a “yard” (which indicates a paved area) but rather, a “garden.” I’m told that C.S. Lewis used to have fun with American visitors who asked for the bathroom. He took them to the bath, handed them a towel and shampoo and wished them well. This, by the way, is how the British amuse themselves.
So as a service for any Yanks who may be traveling to England, let me sort out two crucial bits of vocabulary that may be of help. If you did not know a word of either British or American English, you could get by for years in the UK on only two words.
The first is “brilliant,” an all-purpose expression of approval that may be used in situations both great and small. You can use it to compliment someone on having discovered a cure for cancer or for gracefully side-stepping a puddle. Once when I ordered a hamburger and chips at McDonald’s, the clerk said, “brilliant.” The linguistic equivalent of grade inflation, “brilliant” helps the British maintain that general positive atmosphere of congratulation, which explains why over seven million people have moved to London. Everyone likes to feel smart. An equally overused variant is the term “well done,” which is usually followed by raised glasses of ale and cheers all around.
And now for some irony. The second word that will keep you afloat across the pond is “sorry.” The British are a hardy bunch, having survived the plague, the Great Fire, trench warfare, the Blitz, mad cow disease and the break-up of the Spice Girls. Yet the men and women of the U.K. remain terrified by the thought that somewhere, somehow, they might be standing in someone else’s way. Or they are mortified about saying the wrong thing.
While the average American mostly fears death and dismemberment, the average Englishman dreads asking someone how her mother is, only to learn that the mother in question died nine years ago. As a result, visitors in Britain quickly learn to be deferential and apologetic at all times and to say “sorry” as a reflex. It actually makes for a wonderfully polite way of getting on, and it also serves to check the egos of those who have been told over and over that they are brilliant.
These two words in fact help visitors to understand the complicated mindset of the British. On the one hand, Britain is a source of much that is glorious in Western culture: Stonehenge, Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Big Ben, the Beatles. Brilliant. But on the other hand, the British are awfully clumsy with fires, make bland food and have hideous teeth. Plus the whole Austin Powers thing. Sorry. It is the mix of plum self-satisfaction and awkward embarrassment that balances the language on the twin pillars of “brilliant” and “sorry.” So just remember that in the U.K., love always means having to say you’re sorry. But for those times when you need to apologize, be sure to carry some sweets in the boot of your lorry. Just tick that off your list, Love, and then you’ll be brilliant.
