Written by Daniel Morrissey
Do you love yourself? I suppose it’s not a question we are confronted with very often. Many of us are familiar with the tale of Narcissus, the Greek hero who, scorning those who loved him, became enamored of his own reflection in a pool as punishment from the gods. Since his reflection couldn’t love him back, he turned his sword on himself. One might say he loved himself to death.
But that’s not the kind of self-love I am talking about.
No doubt you know someone who is conceited: someone who walks around with her nose in the air, someone who can’t stop talking about himself, or someone who cannot live without being the center of attention. “Oh, he’s quite taken with himself,” we say; or “She’s just in love with herself.” But are they really?
Again, this is not the self-love I am talking about.
I am not even talking about the kind of self-love where you feed yourself, clothe yourself, take regular showers, get enough sleep or wear deodorant. Of course, I hope you do all of those things, whether you love yourself or not, but I am talking about something deeper, something more elusive and less tangible than physical appearance or bodily health.
Do you love yourself? Let me attempt to break that sentence down. In this usage, the word “Do” indicates that I am asking you a rhetorical question, meaning I’d like for you to think about my query and try to come up with the answer for yourself. The word “you” refers to your conscious and subconscious mind—in short, that part of you that is both sentient and aware. As for “love,” I generally mean do you appreciate yourself, do you respect yourself, are you willing to forgive yourself, do you believe in yourself, do you want what’s best for yourself? I will elaborate a little bit more later, but first I must tackle “yourself.” Not literally, of course. By “yourself,” I mean who you are: the kind of person you are, with all your flaws, faults, shortcomings and blemishes, while also not overlooking your accomplishments, your strengths, your abilities, and your unique qualities.
Of course, as a human being, you are not perfect, but you are singularly unique. No one else in the world has the exact same combination of your personality and your experience. That alone makes you lovable by yourself.
Within Christian circles, as well as within society at large, I feel like too much is made of romantic love, or eros, as C.S. Lewis calls it in his book “The Four Loves.” With the way we are bombarded with songs about finding completion in another person and all the countless times our stories culminate with the romantic fulfillment for our protagonists, it’s so easy to believe that romantic love is the highest form of love we can attain on this earth. As a result, brotherly love (called phileo), and unconditional love (called agape), are often viewed as secondary or supplemental to eros.
In my experience, this could not be further from the truth. In fact, in order to fully experience any of these loves with God or with another person, I believe we must develop a rich and healthy agape for ourselves. Yes, that includes eating well and showering, but this love is certainly not limited to these commonplace activities. Jesus says “love your neighbor as yourself.” Not “love yourself more than your neighbor,” or “love yourself less than your neighbor.” I take this to mean that we should be self-critical, but not self-condemning; sensitive to others, but not neglectful of ourselves; striving to lead the most holy lives possible, but truly forgiving ourselves when we let ourselves and others down. Loving yourself is more than self-esteem; it’s self acceptance and self-forgiveness too.
Do you love yourself?
