It’s not that I can’t take criticism. It’s just that, if you criticize me, I have to kill you.
Let’s be honest. Is there really such a thing as truly constructive criticism? In a 2012 Forbes magazine article called “Giving constructive criticism that won’t make anyone cringe,” we learn that this particular terminology was most likely invented as a “cruel joke to staff and managers alike.” But the take-away from the article is this: the process of giving feedback of any kind is an emotional process for both parties. This is something we can easily forget.
Again, it’s not that I can’t tolerate criticism. The rational fragment of my admittedly hyper-sensitive brain understands the value of growth and progression that results from being subjectively critiqued. Rationally, logically, it makes sense. But I still have to kill you.
Maybe this is because I view encouragement as next to godliness. There is no denying the value of a few affirmative words. Have you ever heard a Grammy, Emmy, Oscar, Tony or CMA winner accept their award without thanking those individuals who had their back, if you will? Where would C.S. Lewis — as well as modern Christianity — have been without J.R.R. Tolkien encouraging him to study and explore the Scriptures for himself? Where would Tolkien — as well as modern literature — have been without Lewis encouraging him to finish the story we would come to know as “The Lord of the Rings”? Where would Donald Trump — as well as modern political hairdressers — be without those encouragement consultants telling him every morning that his blond locks are “well coiffed today, sir”?
We have established that nobody likes criticism, and everybody likes encouragement, so the question is: how can we incorporate this knowledge in our interpersonal relationships? An interesting blog called “Tiny Buddha” (check it out), published an article called “How to Deal With Criticism Well,” in which author Lori Deschene talks about her own weaknesses in this area — weaknesses that mirror my own.
“When I’m exhausted, you can be sure I’ve bent over backwards trying to win everyone’s approval,” Deschene says. “(And) because I was desperately afraid of being judged, I took everything, from everyone, as condemnation.”
Isn’t that the truth?
To combat these underlying feelings of inadequacy, Deschene offers 25 solutions, which I will let you read at your leisure if you so choose. I am only going to elaborate on three.
1. Look for seeds of truth in all criticisms, whether just or unjust. Remember that it is an emotional process to both those giving and receiving criticism.
2. Criticism presents an opportunity to practice active listening. “This means you resist the urge to analyze in your head, planning your rebuttal, and simply consider what the other person is saying,” Deschene says. We are all guilty of those “I’ve heard enough, so now I’m going to stop listening” moments. After all, what could this person possibly have to say that will benefit my life?
I, for one, know I could be gleaning wisdom from these interactions, if I could only skip the voiceover in my mind. As much as I’d like to think otherwise, I am not Meredith Grey, or J.D. from Scrubs. I have to get out of my own head once in awhile. I encourage you to do the same.
3. My favorite point Deschene makes is that criticism encourages us to question our “instinctive associations and feelings; praise is good, criticism is bad.” I must repeat: isn’t that the truth? However, if we learn to restructure this cognitive shortcoming, and accept both praise and criticism as an opportunity for growth, there is no telling what we might achieve.
Let’s work on finding encouragement within the criticism, shall we? I think we’ll all be better because of it. Criticism is not always bad; praise is not always good. But both provide an opportunity for us to flourish.
On a totally unrelated note, I am now accepting applications for a professional encouragement consultant. Stipends will be offered at competitive wages. Email me at the address below for more information.
No phone calls, please.
