Sept. 1, 2016 — the day I wrote down that Hillary Clinton would be the next president of the United States.
While I do not support either platform, I’ve been confident of this outcome for some time now. So confident, in fact, that I made a very interesting bet with a friend of mine. The wager was as follows: If Trump wins the election, I have to use the word “cat” in my column 50 times. While the thought of this made my friend smirk with preemptive glee, I was unfazed. It is little more than a challenge I might undertake on a normal week. However, if Clinton wins, my friend will be forced to glue a Shipley’s glazed doughnut to his face and run around the Front Lawn for an hour.
Needless to say, I am looking forward to Nov. 8, for many, many reasons.
While I do not disregard the possibility of a Republican upset, I stamp my name alongside the declaration that a Democrat will be decorating the Oval Office for at least four more years (and with Hillary’s impeccable taste in fashion, I look forward to seeing how she will alleviate 200 years of masculine stagnation).
So where does that leave us? Between my conservative upbringing and my liberal friends, I am privileged to see arguments from both sides fill my Facebook feed. On the right are the stalwart Republicans, placing Clinton at No. 2 on the list of evangelical’s “Most Wanted” — right in front of Rob Bell and right behind Al Gore. On the left are the staunch Democrats, who can’t decide whether to attack Trump’s hair or his lewd comments from 11 years ago. My point is not to ruffle feathers, but rather to point out the obvious: this election has been a mudslinging tragicomedy. The theater geek inside of me is already anticipating the 2026 Broadway debut of “Wrong,” with the promotional slogan, “Make Musicals Great Again.”
It may be safe to say that a presidential run has not been this peppered with prolific propaganda since Andrew Jackson accused John Quincy Adams of selling his wife’s maid as a concubine to the czar of Russia in 1828. And with the ongoing investigation of Clinton’s emails — a mere five days before the election — this farce seems to be holding out for a few more dramatic twists and turns before the curtain falls.
Despite all of this, you might be surprised to hear that I am already at peace with this election.
In my mind, the course of American history is like an ocean liner, and no matter who is at the wheel, they can only turn the ship so far to the left or right in four short years. And in four years, if the passengers are unhappy with a subtle directional shift, they have the opportunity to elect a new captain to the helm.
It is impossible to make a metaphorical U-turn in only four years. The checks and balances of our government have been established and upheld through congressional legislation and judicial review for this very purpose. Let’s not forget that our Constitution has survived ratification, revision and endless debate to ensure a democratic society — and that work has certainly not been in vain.
Yes, 2016 has made many of us feel like we need a cold shower, but it is finally drawing to a close. I am so thankful for that. I hope you are able to find peace in these last few days, as I have.
Oh, and if you see a Kingsman running around with a doughnut on his face on Nov. 9, don’t be alarmed. That’s just my friend Zach. He made a CATastrophic bet.
On the off-chance that Trump wins, only 49 more “cat” references to go.