I\u00a0once got a letter from Fred Flintstone. It must have been about 1980, after I had long been a loyal consumer of Fruity Pebbles cereal, which the commercials assured me was part of a \u201cbalanced breakfast.\u201d In hindsight, I\u2019m guessing what they meant by \u201cbalanced breakfast\u201d was that the amount of processed sugar in the red Fruity Pebbles was perfectly balanced with the amount of processed sugar in the yellow Fruity Pebbles.<\/p>\n
At any rate, Post Cereals ran a contest that year. A puzzle was printed on the back of each box, and any kid who solved it and mailed in the answer was instantly registered for a sweepstakes drawing. Much like Ralphie and his Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring in \u201cA Christmas Story,\u201d I was a sucker for any product-related contest. Marketers had known this for decades, and kids begged their parents to buy twice the boxes of Cocoa Pebbles so we\u2019d have double the chances to win, not to mention double the hyperactivity.<\/p>\n
I must have sent in my solution to the puzzle twice, which explains why to this day I still have two letters on colorful Fruity Pebbles stationery, addressed to me personally by a dot-matrix printer, and inscribed at the bottom with an official, authentic printed signature of Fred Flintstone himself. The letter had three very important-sounding paragraphs, which read in full:<\/p>\n
\u201cDear Michael: It was so nice of you to help me solve the Pebbles cereal mystery! Now that you\u2019ve tasted it, I\u2019m sure you know why everybody\u2019s chomping all the Pebbles cereal \u2014 it\u2019s yabba-dabba-delicious!<\/p>\n
\u201cTo thank you for your assistance, I\u2019m sending you these fruity and cocoa-scented stickers. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.<\/p>\n
\u201cPretty soon we\u2019ll be drawing the names of the 10 lucky sweepstakes winners. I hope you\u2019re one of them! Best wishes, Fred Flintstone.\u201d<\/p>\n
It is difficult to convey the heights to which an 8-year-old boy\u2019s street cred can skyrocket when he marches around the neighborhood with an autograph from cartoon royalty. And believe me, I made full use of it. When it came to self-promotion, I was shameless. I still am.<\/p>\n
In my defense, kid-dom back then was a highly competitive world. Someone always had more Star Wars toys. Someone always had a newer bike. Someone always made more hoops when we played basketball in the backyard. But no one \u2014 I mean, no one \u2014 else on Amalfi Drive was on a first-name basis with the Flintstones.<\/p>\n
Later that year, I inherited $3,000 from the estate of a relative. It was more money than I had ever thought about in my lifetime. Frankly, it\u2019s more money than I have now. The day I got the news, I happened to be hanging around with one of my friends. Let\u2019s call him David, since that was, in fact, his name.<\/p>\n
David had just cleaned up on birthday money and was perched on his brand-new Schwinn Phantom bike, fanning himself with a cool stack of $20 bills. He proudly showed them to me. In the nuanced game of juvenile one-upsmanship, I\u2019m sure he must have felt confident that my wallet was empty.<\/p>\n
I blush now to admit this. Had I been a classier 8-year-old boy, I would have kept my mouth shut and let David bask in the glory of his steady cash flow. But since the phrase \u201cclassy 8-year-old boy\u201d is an oxymoron, I waited until David\u2019s beaming smile had reached its apex before I let the air out of his bankroll.<\/p>\n
To my shame, I remember what I said exactly. \u201cForget it, David,\u201d I gloated, pausing for effect. \u201cYou\u2019ll never have as much money as I do.\u201d David\u2019s face fell. Literally. He had to bend over from his bicycle and pick up his face.<\/p>\n
Yes, I confess that the moment itself was yabba-dabba delicious. And if I had been one of the 10 lucky winners of that sweepstakes on top of that, I could have really rubbed it in. But I\u2019ve gotten a little perspective some 35 years later, and now I wish I hadn\u2019t said a word.<\/p>\n
So, if you\u2019re out there somewhere, David, I\u2019m sorry. You were rich that day. Not nearly as well-connected with Stone-Age cereal mascots, but rich nonetheless. I should have let you enjoy the moment. At the very least, I should have given you a Fruity Pebbles sticker.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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