I\u00a0think it was my second year of writing for The Bison. Back then I shared space on the opinions page with several others, including a student columnist who was just getting started. As a humorist, he had some funny material for his first two pieces. But then, it happened. He became \u201cthat guy.\u201d He wrote an entire column about not having anything to write about.<\/p>\n
I thought, \u201cBless his heart \u2014 it\u2019s his third article, and he already playing the writer\u2019s block card.\u201d And I swore to myself that I would never, ever stoop to such cheesy meta-journalism. I pledged I would never admit that the pot had gone dry. I committed to a life of integrity, which in this case meant having at least a new, semi-legitimate topic every week.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s amazing how 12 years of deadlines can soften a man\u2019s conscience.<\/p>\n
I have a file marked \u201cColumn Ideas\u201d that I keep by my laptop. It\u2019s full of quirky news stories, quaintly clipped from magazines and newspapers, the way people used to do back before the days of running water. At some point, I must have thought that each idea had potential, but as I feverishly flipped through the archive this weekend, nothing spoke to me.<\/p>\n
You\u2019d think it was a goldmine: One article tells the story of Trudy, the world\u2019s oldest gorilla, who lives at the Little Rock Zoo. Another describes the eccentric collection at the Los Angeles Museum of Broken Relationships, where jilted lovers can deposit the artifacts of their shattered dreams. Still another one profiles a man who makes elaborate Lego sculptures for a living. I even clipped a report on the 41st International Cherry-Pit-Spitting Contest in Michigan. Yet none of it seems quite column-worthy.<\/p>\n
Certain headlines in the file just scream for ironic comment: \u201cNYC cemetery honey of a place for bees.\u201d \u201cPokemon Go dating site is now live.\u201d \u201cRussian road so bad smugglers fixed it.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWoman sues her 8-year-old nephew.\u201d \u201cSalvador Dali exhumed \u2014 moustache still intact.\u201d But the brilliance of funny headlines is that they speak for themselves.<\/p>\n
When Parade Magazine ran its annual \u201cWhat People Earn\u201d issue last April, I cut out a tiny picture of a Portland woman who makes $59,000 a year as a \u201cprofessional cuddler.\u201d She claims to teach \u201cplatonic touch\u201d with the goal of creating \u201ca safe space\u201d for people to feel \u201cloved and accepted.\u201d Lots of snarky comments immediately come to mind, but instead I labelled the clipping, \u201cTopics I will never let myself write about.\u201d<\/p>\n
In my idea folder, I just found an expired coupon for Oreo Thins. I never intended to use it at the grocery store, but I seem to remember having a plan when I clipped it from the paper. I concocted an outline in my head for an elaborate social commentary on the decline of snacks in our new health-obsessed America. I wanted to contrast the hearty \u201cOreo Double Stuff\u201d cookies I loved as a child with the anemic diet wafers now marketed as \u201cOreo Thins.\u201d At the time, it seemed genius. Now, it just seems slim.<\/p>\n
My present struggle is even worse because I also have a back-up source of column material. For years I have kept a journal where I write various things down. There are two entire pages marked \u201cColumn Ideas.\u201d They are full of oddball facts I\u2019ve picked up. For the most part, though, it\u2019s a list of outdated pop culture bubbles that once called out to be punctured, but whose time came and went: spy-cam mannequins, boom cubes, hoverboards, cell-phone novels, Chewbacca Mom. As I\u2019ve learned, you have to act fast on most pop culture fads, which have roughly the shelf life of yogurt.<\/p>\n
Full disclosure: I stole the phrase \u201croughly the shelf life of yogurt\u201d from an article by Joseph Epstein I tore out of The Weekly Standard.<\/p>\n
To summarize: Even with a bulging folder of ideas and two pages of back-up column material, I have still drawn a blank. So I suppose I\u2019ll have to swallow my pride and write about how I have nothing to write about this week. Which I would gladly do if I had not just run out of space.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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