On this Homecoming day I’m delighted to say<\/p>\n
It’s a happy occasion, not solemn.<\/p>\n
But when we all scream for our brave football team,<\/p>\n
There’s the question of what we should call \u2018em.<\/p>\n
This puzzle becomes (for all Harding alums\u2014<\/p>\n
Whether city or country or rural\u2014)<\/p>\n
Is it the same if we roar for one Bison or four?<\/p>\n
\u2018Cause our mascot is already plural.<\/p>\n
We English professors have few bigger stressors<\/p>\n
Than nitpicky questions of grammar;<\/p>\n
The rules for the comma are loaded with trauma,<\/p>\n
And pronouns can cause us to stammer.<\/p>\n
Our school slogans read, “Go Bisons,” indeed,<\/p>\n
And we’re all of us proud of the name.<\/p>\n
But what do we do, since one Bison or two<\/p>\n
Is supposed to be spelled just the same?<\/p>\n
Though someone might guess that apostrophe S<\/p>\n
Would neatly make Bison’s from Bison,<\/p>\n
I say anyone who makes this grammar boo-boo<\/p>\n
I will lock in a cage and put mice in. <\/p>\n
And so my dear friends, a whole lot depends<\/p>\n
On just how well we sort out this mess,<\/p>\n
Since our trademark sports gear and each popular cheer<\/p>\n
All contain a superfluous S.<\/p>\n
I can’t stress enough that this choice is not fluff,<\/p>\n
Not a bet that we just roll the dice on.<\/p>\n
It is no piece of cake; there is too much at stake<\/p>\n
With the pluralization of Bison.<\/p>\n
Now let me explain, it won’t do to complain<\/p>\n
That grammatical rules are obtuse.<\/p>\n
There are quite a few words, whether singles or herds,<\/p>\n
Spelled the same, such as deer, shrimp or moose.<\/p>\n
It doesn’t make sense; it is crazy-intense<\/p>\n
To have plurals confusing our chants.<\/p>\n
Some words end in S, though their singular-ness<\/p>\n
Is certain (like scissors and pants).<\/p>\n
So clearly my dears when we yell out our<\/p>\n<\/p>\n<\/p>\n<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
cheers<\/p>\n
This is something we need much advice on.<\/p>\n
I’ll admit it’s a fright; it just doesn’t sound right<\/p>\n
To stand up and holler “Go Bison.”<\/p>\n
Now I have been told, by a colleague of old<\/p>\n
That my thinking is totally wrong.<\/p>\n
My Bisonic quibble, he wrote with a scribble,<\/p>\n
Is hardly grammatically strong.<\/p>\n
Proper names, he explained, cannot be constrained,<\/p>\n
By the same old persnickety rules.<\/p>\n
And those who think twice on the “s” on our Bison<\/p>\n
Are simply behaving like mules.<\/p>\n
“For example,” he smiled, “Take a couple named Child.<\/p>\n
They’re the Childs, not the Children, you see.”<\/p>\n
And so went our riff, but according to Cliff,<\/p>\n
On “Bisons” we all should agree. <\/p>\n
And yet I do fear the traditional ear<\/p>\n
Will find “Bisons” an awkward sensation.<\/p>\n
Thus now you will see how much stress it can be<\/p>\n
Attempting Bisonification.<\/p>\n
And so I come back with a plan of attack<\/p>\n
To solve once and forever this crisis.<\/p>\n
Please don’t be distressed if I deign to suggest,<\/p>\n
Could the plural of Bison be Bises?<\/p>\n
Whatever we do for one player or two<\/p>\n
We certainly want to be wise.<\/p>\n
So will it cause grief if we try to be brief<\/p>\n
And shorten our nickname to Bise?<\/p>\n
Of course we could try the process whereby<\/p>\n
The plural of goose becomes geese.<\/p>\n
But I’m fearful it may be quite awkward to say<\/p>\n
That our mascot is Buff the Biseese.<\/p>\n
Or how \u2018bout this topic, and don’t be myopic<\/p>\n
Retaining that plank in your own eye.<\/p>\n
Since it would be cool as a technical rule<\/p>\n
To call us the Fighting Bisoni.<\/p>\n
Yes I realize it shocks to think outside the box,<\/p>\n
But sometimes it can be a bonus.<\/p>\n
So maybe we’ll dare try a slight Spanish flair<\/p>\n
And greet our team “Hola Bisones!”<\/p>\n
Now we could take a cue from a word in Hebrew,<\/p>\n
When you take a sweet cherub and clone him\u2014<\/p>\n
As an angel to spare makes a cherubim pair,<\/p>\n
Our players could be the Bisonim.<\/p>\n
Now this one might fizzle, or perhaps truly sizzle,<\/p>\n
The same way that piping hot grease does.<\/p>\n
Will our foes quake in fear as they put on their gear<\/p>\n
To confront the HU Bisonistas?<\/p>\n
Now please do not pout, since we cannot rule out<\/p>\n
“Go Buffalo”\u2014won’t that be fun?<\/p>\n
But this name will not do \u2018cause that word’s plural, too,<\/p>\n
Which brings us right back to square one.<\/p>\n
We’re now losing ground; my head’s starting to pound.<\/p>\n
It is something I must put some ice on,<\/p>\n
I just cannot rest before solving this quest<\/p>\n
To decide between Bisons and Bison.<\/p>\n
I’ve got it! Look here for the ultimate cheer,<\/p>\n
For the fans this will really entice \u2018em.<\/p>\n
If our voices do swell with the Latinate yell,<\/p>\n
“Let’s go Harding! E Pluribus Bisum!”<\/p>\n
This is an expanded version of a column that originally ran on November 5, 2010.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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