“It was the beginning of 2014. Everything started in February.”<\/p>\n
Crystal* was 17 when she was cast in her community\u2019s play, \u201cBeauty and the Beast.\u201d She loved the arts, and theater was one of her passions. During initial rehearsals, she met a man named Jason*, who played the part of the Beast. He was friendly, she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cEveryone else working on the show was also super nice, so I didn\u2019t think it was awkward or anything, but I quickly realized that he\u2019s a very outgoing guy,\u201d Crystal said. \u201cHe\u2019s physically a big guy, he\u2019s just very funny. But he was a very physical guy in the way he acted with everyone.\u201d<\/p>\n
As preparation continued, Crystal said Jason expressed more interest in her. This behavior began to bother her, but she did not know why.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe made some very inappropriate advances towards me,\u201d Crystal said. \u201c(But) with the way I grew up, nobody really talks about \u2026 what\u2019s appropriate, what\u2019s safe.\u201d<\/p>\n
One evening, Crystal found herself walking down the hallway after rehearsal alone when someone grabbed her from behind.<\/p>\n
\u201cI quickly knew from the physicality of the person holding me who it was,\u201d Crystal said. \u201cI tried to turn around \u2026 he brought me into a side room that I didn\u2019t even know was there before, and the lights were off. At first, I was laughing, trying to say, \u2018Ha ha ha, this is funny, let me go.\u2019 But then it started happening, and I started getting really firm in my voice \u2014 at least that\u2019s what I thought I was sounding like \u2014 saying, \u2018Jason, let me go; I don\u2019t like this.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
It was then that she understood she was trapped.<\/p>\n
\u201cI realized at that point, after trying to move, that I couldn\u2019t. I realized I couldn\u2019t scream,\u201d Crystal said. \u201cPeople talk about how there\u2019s a fight, flight or freeze (response). I froze. \u2026 It\u2019s like I couldn\u2019t move my feet, any part of me. \u2026 I hated it, but I also kind of went numb.\u201d<\/p>\n
Crystal is a student at Harding. She does not like the dark. She does not feel comfortable with close contact and is frightened by sudden noises.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m a very jumpy person,\u201d Crystal said. \u201cI really don\u2019t like it when there\u2019s someone behind me, whether it\u2019s someone giving me a hug, talking to me or walking in a group and there is someone really close to me \u2013\u2013 I don\u2019t like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
After her sexual assault in 2014, Crystal was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), one of the mental illnesses that commonly develops after a sexual assault, according to Mental Health America. She considered ending her life.<\/p>\n
\u201cEspecially (during) the year of 2014, I really struggled with who I was, what I\u2019m supposed to do in life, and what I\u2019m supposed to do now,\u201d Crystal said. \u201cSuicide was definitely a thought that constantly went through my mind.\u201d<\/p>\n
According to Todd Patten, licensed professional counselor and associate professor, PTSD, as an emotional response to trauma, is comprised of anxiety-related symptoms, which are the body\u2019s attempt to protect itself. He said people who have been sexually abused share behavioral traits with those who have experienced other kinds of abuse, often with added intensity.<\/p>\n
\u201c(Sexual abuse is) such an intimate violation of your rights, of your being human,\u201d Patten said. \u201cWhen something like that happens, generally, people are untrusting and for a good reason. They don\u2019t feel safe.\u201d<\/p>\n
Safety is one of the driving forces behind post-abuse behaviors, according to Patten. He said many seek safety by sabotaging relationships \u2014 even becoming aggressors themselves to avoid further trauma.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy we have PTSD, why (survivors) are sensitive to noises or have flashbacks \u2014 these are all self-preserving types of behaviors,\u201d Patten said. \u201cWe\u2019re trying to get to a place of safety.\u201d<\/p>\n
For Crystal, an opened bedroom or closet door is unnerving. She has also experienced difficulty relaxing when alone and has had many sleepless nights.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know why (open doors) make me so nervous. I guess the thought of someone coming in the room and me not being able to hear the door open or the closet door close, thinking someone could be hiding in the clothes,\u201d Crystal said. \u201cI don\u2019t get a lot of sleep on some nights. That has caused, on certain occasions, me to see things that are not there, to hear things that are not there. Sometimes it scares me, and sometimes it\u2019s frustrating.\u201d<\/p>\n
Like Crystal, other survivors of sexual assault experience triggers, something that sets off a memory, transporting a person to an original trauma.<\/p>\n
Lisa Fuller, librarian and HU Brave sponsor, is currently enrolled in a master\u2019s counseling program. After discussing triggers with several sexual assault survivors, she has learned that triggers vary between people, and can include everyday sounds, objects, smells or touch from another person.<\/p>\n
\u201cPhysical touch is something I think we need to be very aware of,\u201d Fuller said. \u201cWe need to respect body autonomy and not make assumptions that touching people is OK with everybody.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fuller said triggers can continue to affect a survivor\u2019s life years after an assault if they do not intentionally seek healing.<\/p>\n
\u201cA lot of times, the first part of healing is just knowing there are other people who have survived it. That\u2019s huge,\u201d Fuller said. \u201cIf you don\u2019t know other people who have been through it, and someone (who) came out on the other side, then you don\u2019t know it\u2019s possible for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Crystal has always wanted to be a mother. From a young age, she carried around baby dolls and planned out her future children\u2019s names. Now, Crystal does not know if she feels adequate for the life she dreamed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know how someone can be intimate with a person, and I don\u2019t know how I could be a good mom to a daughter, or even to a son,\u201d Crystal said. \u201cI just kind of feel like there is part of me that is crushed in a sense, kind of taken away because I don\u2019t know \u2026 how I could do that and do that well \u2026 (or) if I will ever be ready for that moment, and that scares me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fuller said survivors often feel guilt and responsibility for their assault. For healing, she said verbally expressing feelings and recounting the event is an important step.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think there is any lonelier feeling than being in a group and feeling like you\u2019re alone,\u201d Fuller said. \u201cPeople feeling like somehow it was their fault … (adds) guilt on top of feeling alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
Crystal said she seeks services from the Counseling Center, where she found helpful advice for dealing with panic attacks and improving communication with others. She hopes to find further healing and peace within herself.<\/p>\n
\u201cIdeally, I think I want to be in a place where I don\u2019t have to worry about those situations \u2026 a state of not worrying all the time,\u201d Crystal said. \u201cFor my heart, I just want to never be angry about it \u2026 to be at a point in life where I can talk about it with people and not be embarrassed or ashamed or scared of saying the wrong thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sexual assault is part of a cyclical system where a lack of healing can cause more damage, according to Fuller. She said being involved with HU Brave has helped prove to her the prevalence of sexual assault.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople who hurt people are people who have been hurt,\u201d Fuller said. \u201cThe problem that we have from generations of not discussing this is that \u2026 we (haven\u2019t) helped survivors get through their difficulty, (and) we\u2019ve also robbed a lot of people of their opportunity for their healing to not continue the cycle.\u201d<\/p>\n
Three years after her assault, Crystal is still learning how to heal and how to move forward.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s been very hard to process and go throughout certain days \u2026 some days are harder than others,\u201d Crystal said.<\/p>\n
For survivors of sexual assault, the Original Rock House, HU Brave and the Counseling Center can serve as expressive outlets.<\/p>\n
According to Fuller and Patten, community and support are essential to healing.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not their fault. They don\u2019t have to bear that alone. They don\u2019t have to feel unsafe,\u201d Patten said. \u201cThere\u2019s a place of safety. There\u2019s support for them.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
*names changed to protect identity.<\/p>\n
Written by Savanna DiStefano and Justin Duyao<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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