Well folks, here we are. We’re well into new classes, already missing home-cooked meals and getting to that point where it’s weird to still be asking about your friend’s Christmas break. Which brings me back to a pivotal time during my freshman year. No, I’m not talking about accepting the fact that two-stepping is just two steps too many for my coordination skills. I’m not even talking about the time I discovered how much nicer the bathrooms are in the Heritage. I am talking about that moment of panic you feel when you see someone you sort of know in passing and aren’t sure what to do about it. We’ll call it the art of acknowledgement. In simpler but still more Hamlet-like terms, to wave, or not to wave–that is the question.
If your personality radiates sunshine, glitter and unicorns, then you can stop reading here and most likely get a job in a Progressive commercial. For everyone else, knowing how to respond to someone you haven’t seen in awhile can get pretty awkward. Here’s a simplified list of how to greet someone on a level that they are comfortable with.
1. The half smile, not to be confused with a creepy smirk. This one is fairly simple and can be used with complete strangers. Accidental eye contact happens, and we need to be prepared for it. So rather than continuing to make them think you’re plotting some kind of Inigo Montoya revenge on their life, give them a little half smile and keep walking.
2. The half smile with a slight head nod. This one is reserved for people you’re definitely acquainted with but don’t remember meeting. It can also be used with someone you know fairly well but who is talking to someone else and you don’t want to interrupt their conversation for a casual, “Hey.”
3. Which brings us to our next one: the casual “Hey.” This one is typically followed by a “How are you?” depending on how fast you’re walking in the opposite direction. You’re friends and have talked several times, but have never really had a quality bonding experience to ask a lot more follow up questions.
4. The side hug. We’ve all experienced a bad side hug. Now, other factors including backpacks, sitting, standing or the fear of bad breath may come into consideration when executing a good side hug, but I would say most of them still turn out badly. It’s typically just awkward and doesn’t have a good solution, so I would say just try to get past this stage as quickly as possible.
5. The full–on attack hug. This is no ordinary embrace. In more barbaric parts of the world this is also called a “bear hug” but if you are shorter than 6′ 5″ then this name is just unfitting and weird. This greeting can also be paired with a dramatic running scene combined with the theme from “Chariots of Fire,” or with a gallant fist in the air, John Bender style, to the tune of a Simple Minds single. (I feel comfortable making a “Breakfast Club” reference since it seemed to work out pretty well in “Pitch Perfect.” No? OK.)
So there you have it; fool-proof instructions for a preplanned strategy to avoid making that squeaky noise in your throat when just trying to say “Hi.” If this wasn’t as entertaining as you had hoped, I highly recommend mymobname.com, the Mitt Romney Wearing Jeans tumblr or any of the Harry Potter books.
