Last week, “Just the Clax” received a dare. We get so little mail these days that we can’t ignore any of it. Previously in this space, we were challenged to write an entire column without using the letter “E,” and another time to craft an article wholly in limericks. Today’s dare is to write using nothing but reduplicated words.
Well, far be it from me to pooh-pooh a dare, and only a fuddy-duddy would turn down this chance to throw some razzle dazzle into “The Bison,” so I won’t be a namby-pamby. I can’t really predict how coherent the results will be — they may turn into a loosey-goosey mish-mash of so-so clap-trap. Call me cuckoo, but I’ll dive pell-mell into all this phoney-baloney just the same.
Once upon a time, in a teeny-weeny house, there lived a wishy-washy fellow named Silly Willy. His home was chock-a-block full of bric-a-brac, all scattered helter-skelter around the room. One afternoon, Silly Willy was watching “Looney Tunes” and snacking on Nutter Butters and Mello Yello, when he decided to run down to the Piggly Wiggly to stock up on some Kit Kats and Slim Jims.
At the store, Silly Willy paused to chit-chat with a hoity-toity woman who told him she was looking forward to the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny feet soon. “When the itsy-bitsy baby comes,” she said in a sing-song voice, “you’ll have to come see her.”
“Okey-dokey,” said Silly Willy, not sure whether he could really pretend to be ga-ga over the upcoming baby. He put some Tic-Tacs and Reese’s Pieces and a few other knick-knacks in his cart and went to check out. “Don’t forget the Laffy Taffy,” said the clerk. “Yum yum,” said Silly Willy.
Silly Willy wasn’t sure what to do next. He could criss-cross to the park and play on the see-saw, but he didn’t want to fall and get a boo-boo. He could go to the rec center and get in ship-shape playing ping-pong, or he could run by the post office to check his snail mail. Silly Willy would always shilly-shally when it came to making decisions. He was sure to flip-flop anyway.
“Jeepers creepers!” shouted Silly Willy as he heard the tick-tock of the big clock in the street. It was getting late, and he had promised to call his girlfriend, Crazy Daisy, and make a date for tonight. There was no time to dilly-dally.
He hoped she would want to go see a chick flick because they never agreed when they went dancing. She liked to boogie-woogie, while he preferred the “Hokey-Pokey.” They had just been dating for a few weeks, so it wasn’t like they were all lovey-dovey yet, and not even a hint of hanky-panky.
He went home and made sure his hair was tip-top, though it was hard finding a comb in all the flotsam and jetsam of his bathroom drawer. But once he got down to the nitty-gritty, it was easy-peasy to make himself look like the bee’s knees.
On the way over to pick up Crazy Daisy, Silly Willy almost got into a fender-bender when another driver ran higgledy-piggledy through a traffic light. But he zig-zagged and avoided the harum-scarum nit-wit, and once the hub-bub was over, Silly Willy continued on his way, thankful that the incident hadn’t made him go pee-pee.
“Let’s watch TV,” said Crazy Daisy when he arrived.
“Super duper!” said Silly Willy. “I like cartoons. How about Heckle and Jeckle? Or the Cat in the Hat?”
“Naw,” said Crazy Daisy. “Look at these movies on Netflix: ‘Fright Night,’ ‘Kill Bill,’ ‘Cellar Dweller’ . . .”
“Whoa!” said Silly Willy. “Scary movies give me the heebie-jeebies.”
“Holy moly!” said Crazy Daisy. “Then we’d better avoid those! Let’s look at the handy-dandy TV guide. We could watch ‘Good Luck Chuck,’ or ‘Drop Dead Fred.’”
And so, after all the hurly-burly and razz-matazz of deciding, Silly Willy and Crazy Daisy settled on “Hocus Pocus.” They made ice cream sundaes with ooey-gooey caramel topping. After the movie, they talked. Crazy Daisy liked Silly Willy. He was honest, a real goody-goody. He never gave her any flim-flam or mumbo-jumbo or yada-yada.
That is, until she found out that he was a counterfeiter who passed funny money. He tried to keep it all hugger-mugger, but soon there was tittle-tattle that he was in double trouble. As it turned out, Silly Willy got to hob-nob with the riff-raff in Sing Sing. Meanwhile, Crazy Daisy fell in love with Even Steven, and they liked to sit at home and watch reruns of “Hee-Haw.”
That’s the end, friend. Ta ta!
