I always feel the need to include a disclaimer when this happens, but I cried while writing this column.
I had to step away from the computer and lie down on the couch to decompress for a while. Why? I’ve been attempting to juggle job searching on top of my classwork, and it’s ridiculously hard to say in the least.
A prerequisite to searching for jobs is deciding what kind of work you want to do, and I can’t even figure that out. I have so many interests that I can’t possibly pick just one as a career. I don’t feel comfortable committing to anything right now, yet I need to convince somebody to pay me money in exchange for my labor, like, right now.
I just don’t feel grown up enough to be doing these kinds of things. I’ve been the same height since I was 10 years old, so I often just feel like a little child doing adult tasks. I feel like I’m playing pretend, that I’ve put on my mom’s clothes as a costume and I’m writing a made up investigative story about my Bratz dolls getting in a fight on one of those small memo notebooks.
One thing that has always soothed my soul in times such as this is music, and one line from a certain song really puts everything in perspective.
Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we? Specifically at the beginning of my senior year of high school, when a letter was sent to my house about the insufferable senior pictures and quotes. I don’t like getting my picture taken (a trait I picked up from my grandmother) but I would have rather taken a bad photo than face the embarrassment of not having one in the yearbook. My family couldn’t afford much, so we went to the cheapest photo studio around. You get what you pay for, and they turned out to be really cheesy (more like rotten bleu cheese), but I just remember being really mad that the photographer didn’t edit out my terrible shoulder acne. I ended up picking the one with the best view of my glorious emo bangs and put a really thick filter on it.
As for my senior quote, I initially didn’t have anything in mind. I’ve always found inspiration from the words of others, so I knew I wanted to include one, but there had never been one up to this point that really stood out to me.
I listened to all of my favorite songs hoping I would find something worth attaching my legacy to, and in the end, I chose a line from the bridge of the song “Hoodie Weather” by the pop-punk band The Wonder Years. I chose it because it referenced growing up, and I thought it sounded prophetic. And I thought choosing a song lyric made me look really, really cool. “Growing up means watching my heroes turn human in front of me.”
It’s said that Dan “Soupy” Campbell, lead vocalist and lyric writer for the band, wrote this line in reference to the band New Found Glory. He had grown up listening to and practically worshiping this great pop-punk group, and now he was touring with the same people he looked up to as a kid. He formed personal relationships with some of his heroes and came to realize that they were just regular humans.
I don’t know exactly how or why, but this obscure song lyric that I haphazardly chose a little over four years ago helped me relax a little bit. I don’t think I’ve completely reached adulthood yet, and that’s okay, but I do think I am at least in the process of growing up.
Recognizing that the people I idolize had to go through the exact same situation I’m struggling with brings me an immense sense of comfort. One day I will wake up and feel completely content with the life I’ve made for myself. I’ll look around at my peers and know that I’ve finally made it to where I want to be. It won’t be tomorrow, but it will be some day. I have no clue what it’ll look like, but it’s a day that I definitely look forward to.