I hate to break it to everyone like this, but if you haven’t had your first kiss yet, you have little time to spare. To give you a little background, as of Jan. 26, 2017, the members of the Science and Security Board, based out of Chicago, assess the probability of a “global catastrophe” on a 24-hour clock. The closer the clock is to hitting hour 24 (from now on referred to as “midnight”) the higher global tension. This method has been in place since 1947, which famously set the clock “seven minutes to midnight.” Now that we’re all caught up, we are currently two and a half minutes from midnight, the second closest we’ve been to world annihilation since the Cold War, which was set at two minutes to midnight in 1953. So with what little time we have left, we have to set things straight, and we need everyone to get their first kiss out of the way so nobody leaves Earth with any regrets.
Of course, the sick minds at the SSB seemingly looked past the predicament that now any and all dates will have a looming dark cloud of fear and anxiety about the world and its inhabitants exploding because a certain president takes on the world in the name of brand recognition. The big problem: once you’re aware of the clock, it consumes you. Who can live a fulfilled life if they know humanity is on the brink of self-extermination? Since the birth of the Doomsday clock, we’ve encountered nothing but trouble, and our teens are bearing the full weight of our messy world. For me, I know when my mind wanders it goes only to thoughts of imminent destruction and explosions that would make Michael Bay jealous. So now we move into a period of lament: apathy towards the world leaders and their poor decisions on bombing anything that moves and dominating news outlets through fear and deceit, a nod to North Korea, and the further down we go.
This is a message for all lonely-hearted singles and kiss-less folks, the world cannot support us much longer. Buy the ticket, find a suitable and relatable date to take out, and skip to the part where you get to plant a kiss on ‘em, because time is of the essence. Stop taking yourself so seriously, buy a Mustang, Hummer or gnarly Harley. Who cares how ridiculous you look, the world is ending. I think after the invention of the Doomsday clock, we entered this wacky second reality where anything is possible. This is a call to stop taking ourselves so seriously. Donald Trump is president, and we might as well follow in his footsteps of bold and brash behavior; it’s worked for him so far. Who knows, maybe one day we’ll look back and think of how wrong we were about our future, but for the time being, live every moment like it’s your last.